Wednesday, December 14, 2011

time for raw milk

Homogenization or homogenisation is any of several processes used to make a chemical mixture the same throughout.

Pasteurization is a process of heating a food, usually liquid, to a specific temperature for a definite length of time, and then cooling it immediately. This process slows microbial growth in food.

via wikipedia

  • Unpasteurized milk has the enzyme phosphataze that allows the body to absorb the calcium from the milk. This allows for the digestion of lactose.
  • Milk before pasteurization is rich in colloidal minerals and enzymes, which are necessary for the absorption and utilization of sugars and fats in the milk.
  • When milk is heated it becomes precipitated with minerals that cannot be absorbed, contributing to osteoporosis, as well as sugars that cannot be digested and fats that are toxic.
  • Unpasteurized milk has a cortisone-like factor in the cream, which is heat sensitive. This aids in combating allergies.
  • Unpasteurized milk has beneficial bacteria and lactic acids, which implant in the intestines and contribute to a balanced immune system

via www.greenpasturesdairy.com

Monday, December 5, 2011

motherhood and community

It is 1:45 am and I can't sleep. I have a slight stomach ache and therefore I am here on the 'puter. I often have a lot of crazy thoughts swirling around in my head. Today it is technically Monday morning and I am thinking about the week ahead. Sometimes motherhood seems like it should involve more community. Sure there are things like ECFE and Bible studies and MOPS if I wanted to get involved in that, but sometimes those things all feel so programmey to me. None of my close friends nearby have children yet, so maybe that's why I feel this way. I don't have many friends with kids that I can just call up and ask if they want to hang out. I wish it was more natural to see people I knew in my neighborhood on a daily basis. It's nice to be at home with Archer some days when I don't see anyone, but usually those days don't feel as full and rich as the days that I see people. Maybe it's just ideal of me to think that community used to be easier to come by? I have been off facebook for like a week or so now and I am realizing how big virtual community is becoming. I hardly talk to people on the phone anymore! I am totally a texter these days, which I have been convicted of. Virtual community is so not as complete as real community-- nuances and emotion get missed. My heart totally feels sad for the loss of real community and for people not seeming to have the same longing as me. I definitely feel a bit of rebellion against the ways of the world lately in the realms of food, technology, and advertising. I pray God does something with these achings and longings of my heart and that I can be responsive to those things.

archie at 6.5 mos.

Archie you are almost 6.5 months! You are my little buddy and I love spending my days with you. Your life has breathed new life into me! You are 18 lbs. and 28 inches long. You have two little teeth and I think more on the way. Lately you scrunch up your face when you smile, it's the cutest thing ever :) You like to grab your spoon while we feed you and get food all over your face and clothes :) You prefer to be with me all the time (and I kind of like it, except when I have things to do). You find the simplest of things to be funny, which shows your innocence :) Things like shaking a box of matches or tapping on the bottom of a cup get a giggle out of you! You and I get so excited when Daddy gets home everyday, we feel more whole when he is around. Sometimes I just wish time would stop because I don't want to forget these sweet days with you, my baby boy. I love you so much!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

about whole grains and wheat varieties

I am totally clueless about whole grains and the different kinds of wheat. I am trying to educate myself on a lot of things this winter and possibly invest in a flour mill, or a attachment for our kitchen aid mixer.

A kernel of grain has three parts: endosperm, germ, and bran.
The endosperm contains:
  • Carbohydrates
  • Protein
  • A few vitamins

The germ contains:

  • B vitamins
  • Vitamin E
  • Antioxidants
  • Healthy (polyunsaturated) fats
  • Lots of folic acid (important for pregnancy)
  • Iron, zinc and other minerals

The bran contains:

  • Main source of the grain’s fiber
  • Most phytonutrients and minerals
  • Antioxidants

All these parts can be separated. You can buy wheat bran. You can buy wheat germ. (Health food folks like to do this.) You can buy wheat endosperm. It’s called “white flour”. (Processed food companies like to do this.)

Because of its oils, the wheat germ is likely to go rancid quickly. In order to extend the shelf life, as with trans fats, food manufacturers strip off the germ and the bran so that the remaining endosperm, although lacking in nutrition, can sit around for a long time and wait for people to consume it. If only it was worth consuming!


Hard red wheat (spring or winter): what you recognize as traditional whole wheat. Nutty and hearty in breads, plenty of gluten for a good rise, but can be dense in many baked goods for most people’s palates. Most whole wheat recipes fit great with hard red wheat, including pancakes, crackers, and bread.

Hard white wheat (spring or winter): can be used very similarly to red wheat. White wheat is a bit lighter, which makes it a great choice for transitioning from white flour to whole wheat. You can often substitute white whole wheat for refined flour (white flour) at least 50/50 in quick breads (above), cookies, pancakes, crackers and even yeast breads. Many people love white whole wheat in yeast breads, but I actually prefer the heartiness and the bit of extra gluten in red wheat for breads and pizza dough.

Soft wheat: This is the same as pastry flour, which has the right profile for the flakiness needed for pie crusts, cakes and biscuits, and it gives muffins, pancakes and crackers an amazing boost. When I used to substitute half the white flour in my biscuits recipe with whole wheat, they were very dense (but still good). Now with 100% whole wheat pastry flour (soft wheat berries), the biscuits (above) have more fluff and taste less "healthy" even though they’re a big step up. It’s tough to make a good whole wheat pie crust, but if you start experimenting, always use pastry flour.

Whole Spelt: Sold as whole berries or flour, spelt is an ancient cousin of wheat. It is a gluten-containing grain but has less stable gluten than modern traditional wheat. Spelt also has more protein, but less fiber and fewer calories. Some people find spelt easier to digest if they struggle with whole wheat. (source)
  1. I find spelt to be sweeter than wheat, which makes it quite incredible for reducing the sweetener in these cookies (above). Many people describe spelt as nuttier. A lot of people love spelt for their daily bread, but I haven’t experimented with it enough. If you try it and like it, you can often sub spelt for wheat in many recipes, but you may have to add up to a quarter more flour or reduce the liquid by a quarter. If you’re making bread, knead no more than 4 minutes, because spelt’s gluten breaks down more easily than wheat. (source)

info via http://www.kitchenstewardship.com

Thursday, December 1, 2011

At home food production

This summer I want to grow a garden. I want to grow:

Tomatoes
Potatoes
Carrots
Squash
Onions
Herbs
Cucumber
Spinach
Peas
Possibly berries

I also want to look into buying more meat and poultry from local farms, as well as buying grains and beans in bulk. Darren and I have even talked about buying grain and grinding it down for flour. I am also curious to learn more about soaking grains. I feel so illiterate when it comes to grains. I have just recently started making my own bread, pizza dough and french bread.

I am a very novice gardener, but I don't think it will be a total disaster if I do my homework this winter. I also want to learn how to store and preserve this food for the coming year. I am asking for canning equipment for Christmas.

I am also trying to be more aware of how much waste we produce and how much energy we consume. I really believe God gave us this earth for our us to use and be nourished from. Their is a lot of beauty in it. I don't think he gave it to us so we could constantly exploit it and abuse it. In that spirit these are some things I want to work on making:

fabric napkins
laundry detergent
deodorant

I am also trying to unplug things that are normally always plugged in :)

These have been some awesome websites that I have learned so much from lately:

http://www.keeperofthehome.org/ especially this post: http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2010/08/preserving-summers-bounty-recipes-and-tutorials-to-keep-you-busy-until-thanksgiving.html

http://www.simplebites.net/ especially this post: http://www.simplebites.net/eat-well-spend-less-homemade-substitutes-for-grocery-staples/

http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/ (her archives are a wealth of info!!!)

http://www.foodinjars.com/

http://nchfp.uga.edu/ National Center for Home Food Preservation

http://www.westonaprice.org/

http://www.azurestandard.com/ I am interested in buying some items in bulk from them

I also want these books:

The Backyard Homestead

Nourishing Traditions - I don't know how I have never heard about this book until recently. I guess you find out more in the areas where you do your research. I was browsing through a friend's copy today and was totally drawn in. I know it will teach me so much!

Things to Make

Things to Make:

Stocks:
Chicken Stock

Tomato Products:
Tomato Sauce
Pizza Sauce
Diced tomatoes
Salsa
Ketchup
Enchilada Sauce

Dairy:
Cheese
Yogurt
Kefir

Condiments:
Mayonaise

Misc:
Cream of Chicken/Mushroom Soup

Baked Goods:
Pizza Dough
Sandwich bread
Rolls
Crackers
Tortillas

learning

Lately I have been learning A LOT! So much so, that I hardly know where to begin to blog. Ever since reading The Unsettling of America (which I still need to process on this blog), I have been inspired/convicted/passionate about learning how to make things for our family, the things I typically buy at Target without question. The cost savings, quality, and nutrition of food and home products made yourself seem to be far superior to anything you can buy in a store. I am realizing more and more the true purpose and value I have in being a mother, wife and homemaker. It's funny, because all these things that have real, sustaining value are the things that aren't advertised or marketed in society because their is no money to be made by these things! Things like growing your own food, preserving it, being a stay at home mom, menu planning, and the list goes on and on. I know our consumeristic culture is completely driven by money and time, but I am feeling that more lately. It's like the blinders are coming off a little and things are more clear to me. The things of value require little money and lots of time, two things that don't equal value in the minds of most Americans. Since we don't make things with our hands anymore or produce much of anything any more, our value comes from how much money we have.

I have been praying for vision for our family since Archer was born, and it's funny/beautiful how I see God answering my prayers. I don't feel like He is saying anything like, "Move here", "Do this", but I do feel him breaking things down in my life, teaching me about myself, showing me where true life is found and giving me lots of resources to cultivate these lessons. I think something is in store for us because he is really moving, but right now, we are in the phase where he is preparing us and we are trying to be responsive.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

sick, unsettled, hard talk and SNOW

1. Archie has his first cold. Boo! I feel so bad for his little body. It must feel weird to cough for the first time in your life.

2. I feel unsettled about some things. I always vascilate with my faith, questioning different things. I want it to be more steady and to feel peace with my relationship with him. Lord, I thank you that I can talk to you about these things.

3. I have to have a hard conversation with someone I love and it's eating me up inside because it won't be easy and I don't know what I want to say. This person hasn't been receptive in the past which makes it even more hard, but I am changing a lot and things need to be said. Hopefully some change will come about in our relationship.

4. And finally, It snowed yesterday!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE snow. Always have, always will. I don't love it in April when I am longing for Spring, but I love it now! Time to hit the slopes!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

flour, making things, and prayer

1. Until today the only flour I had ever bought was regular all-purpose flour. Today I bought bread flour- I am moving up in the world! And yes, I plan to make bread and pizza dough with that flour!

2. I have been hearing from so many different sources about the pride that can come from making a living by creating/making things with your hands. Darren and I have been dreaming about this sort of future lately.

3. Today I got to pray over my neighbor Lindsay about her pregnancy. It was pretty sweet.

Monday, November 7, 2011

A snippet from The Unsettling of America on Specialization

The disease of the modern character is specialization. Looked at from the standpoint of the social system, the aim of specialization may seem desirable enough. The aim is to see that the responsibilities of government, law, medicine, engineering, agriculture, education, etc., are given into the hands of the most skilled, best prepared people. The difficulties do not appear until we look at the specialization from the opposite standpoint - that of individual persons. We then begin to see the grotesquery - indeed, the impossibility - of an idea of community wholeness that divorces itself from any idea of personal wholeness.

The first, and best known, hazard of specialist system is that it produces specialists - people who are elaborately and expensively trained to do one thing. We get into absurdity very quickly here. There are, for instance, educators who have nothing to teach, communicators who have nothing to say, medical doctors skilled at expensive cures for diseases that they have no skill, and no interest, in preventing. More common, and more damaging, are the inventors, manufacturers, and salesmen of devices who have no concern for the possible effects of those devices. Specialization is thus seen to be a way of institutionalizing, justifying, and paying highly for a calamitous disintegration and scattering-out of the various functions of character: workmanship, care, conscience, responsibility.

Even worse, a system of specialization requires the abdication to specialists of various competences and responsibilities that were once personal and universal.Thus, the average - one is tempted to say, the ideal - American citizen now consigns the problem of food production to agriculturists and "agribusinessmen", the problem of health to doctors and sanitation experts, the problems of education to school teachers and educators, the problems of conservation to conservationists, and so on. This supposedly fortunate citizen is therefore left with only two concerns: making money and entertaining himself. He earns money, typically, as a specialist, working and eight-hour day at a job for the quality of consequences of which somebody else - or, perhaps more typically, nobody else - will be responsible. And not surprisingly, since he can do so little else for himself, he is even unable to entertain himself, for there exists an enormous industry of exorbitantly expensive specialists whose purpose is to entertain him.

The beneficiary of his regime of specialists ought to be the happiest of mortals - or so we are expected to believe. All of his vital concerns are in the hands of certified experts. He is a certified expert himself and as such he earns more money in a year than all his great-grandparents put together. Between stints at his job he has nothing to do but mow his lawn with a sit-down lawn mower, or watch other certified experts on television. At suppertime he may eat a tray of ready-prepared food, which he and his wife (also a certified expert) procure at the cost only of money, transportation, and the pushing of a button. For a few minutes between supper and sleep he may catch a glimpse of his children, who since breakfast have been in the care of education experts, basketball or marching-band experts, or perhaps legal experts.

The fact is, however, that this is probably the most unhappy average citizen in the history of the world. He has not the power to provide himself with anything but money, and his money are inflating like a balloon and drifting away, subject to historical circumstances and the power of other people. From morning to night he does not touch anything that he has produced himself, in which he can take pride. For all his leisure and recreation, he feels bad, he looks bad, he is overweight, his health is poor. His air, water, and food are all known to contain poisons. There is a fair chance that he will die of suffocation. He suspects that his love life is not as fulfilling as other people's. He wishes that he had been born sooner, or later. He does not know why his children are the way they are. He does not understand what they say. He does not care much and does not know why he does not care. He does not know what his wife wants or what he wants. Certain advertisements and pictures in magazines make him suspect that he is basically unattractive. He feels that all his possessions are under threat of pillage. He does not know what he would do if he lost his job, if the economy failed, if the utility companies failed, if the police went on strike, if the truckers went on strike, if his wife left him, if his children ran away, if he should be found to be incurably ill. And for these anxieties, of course, he consults certified experts, who in turn consult other certified experts about their anxieties.

It is rarely considered that this average citizen is anxious because he ought to be - because he still has some gumption that he has not yet given up in deference of the experts. He ought to be anxious because he is helpless. That he is dependent upon so many specialists, the beneficiary of so much expert help, can only mean that he is a captive, a potential victim. If he lives by the competence of so many other people, then he lives also by their indulgence; his own will and his own reasons to live are made subordinate to the mere tolerance of everybody else. He has one chance to live what he conceives to be his life: his own small specialty within a delicate, tense, everywhere-strained system of specialties.

From a public point of view, the specialist system is a failure because, though everything is done by an expert, very little is done well. Our typical industrial or professional product is both ingenious and shoddy.. The specialist system fails from a personal point of view because a person who can do only one thing can do virtually nothing for himself. In living in the world by his own will and skill, the stupidest peasant or tribesman is more competent than the most intelligent worker or technician or intellectual in a society of specialists.

What happens under the rule of specialization is that, though society becomes more and more intricate, it has less and less structure. It becomes more and more organized, but less and less orderly. The community disintegrates because it loses the necessary understandings, forms and enactments of the relations among materials and processes, principles and actions, ideals and realities, past and present, present and future, men and women, body and spirit, city and country, civilization and wilderness, growth and decay, life and death- just as the individual character loses the sense of a responsible involvement in these relationships…

The only possible guarantee of the future is responsible behavior in the present. When supposed future needs are used to justify misbehavior in the present, as is the tendency with us, then we are both perverting the present and diminishing the future...

Although responsible use may be defined, advocated, and to some extent required by organizations, it cannot be implemented or enacted by them. It cannot be effectively enforced by them. The use of the world is finally a personal matter, and the world can be preserved in health only by the forbearance and care of a multitude of persons.

becoming content, skills and The Unsettling of America

1. Realizations keep coming at me! More and more each day! What a beautiful thing! Throughout my life I have always struggled with discontentment. Growing up, it was always counting down the days until the next trip or planning for the summer, etc. I was never one of those girls that neccesarily longed to be a mom, but deep down I think it was something that I knew I would be pretty comfortable with and maybe even thrive at. It was at some point last night as I was watching The Help, that I remembered those buried feelings. I had this feeling like, "yeah, I am right where I want to be." There certainly aren't defined parameters in my new role as a mom, but lately I have been feeling the wealth of things I want to invest in as a mom. My heart feels very full.

2. Another realization is that I want to learn a lot of new primarily domestic skills. So far, they include:
- learning how to knit a hat
-learning how to bake
-learning how to sew more proficiently
-learning how to make things that I normally buy like laundry detergent
-learning how to grow a successful garden in the spring
-learning how to be more resourceful

3. I've recently started reading The Unsettling of America by Wendell Berry. I have put off reading it for a while because I thought I would get pretty depressed by what I learned...but more than being depressed, I have so far been very moved...feeling like I have been hit by a ton of bricks! Well maybe I will just leave this passage from the book for another post since it is so long. It's the exact reason why I want to learn how to do things for myself, learn how to entertain myself, etc. So fascinating and right on in my opinion!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

my little nacho

knowing myself, joy in the journey and nacho!

1. I am taking steps to know myself these days. I think I have been in somewhat of a deliberate haze for the past umm, I don't know how many years. I have been recording truths lately, facts that true about myself and my excema like: food probably effects me more than I would like to admit, I don't do well at homes where there are pets, when I am tired I scratch, when I am anxious I scratch, etc. It's amazing how clear things can become when I am able to separate out things from this general haze of perpetual anxiety/scratching. Beyond the things I listed there aren't too many other triggers for my excema. So, if I was able to focus on those a little more intentionally, maybe that would help. That would involve me not going to people's houses who have pets and possibly declining food from friends or making other food choices which is never easy. But bottom line, I do want to get a much better handle on this for the long run, not just for this present moment. I want to see what my life can look like without this consuming haze.

2. My counselor reminded me this is a journey and that I need to focus on the journey. I agree with her. I don't think there is necessarily a destination to arrive at. Things are constantly changing, joys are coming at me all the time as well as sorrow. With so many unknowns in life with all the mysterious ways that God works, I can't count on a specific destination I want to end up at. But I do have some goals. I want to not be so controlled by this excema, I want to work hard at things, live simply, pour into Archer, create, worship, have FUN...sometimes I feel like my life is lacking in the fun department. I want to laugh with laughter that comes from a soul that is free! I want to be free!

3. Third thing for the day. Archer was Nacho Libre last night. It was great, even if just my family and a few close friends saw it. It was actually a step of healing for me to create his costume instead of giving into the anxiety of feeling overwhelmed at not knowing how to make it, etc. Naaachhhooooooo!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

creativity, fighting and 3 words

1. I have been challenged to do something creative everyday by the counselor I am seeing. It's been a good challenge, mainly because I feel pretty inspired right now. Lots of sewing projects are floating around in my head. But I just try to make a little progress everyday.

2. I am really fighting for freedom from excema right now. So much of these past 15 years with excema have been such a roller coaster...good skin, bad skin, good skin, bad skin....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am so tired of it. Finally so tired that I am ready and willing to do hard work. Work that I haven't done before. It has really been such an eye-opening journey as of late. Being in counseling, learning of new treatments (cod-liver oil, a book called Skin Deep), somewhat making myself doing something creative everyday-- have all made me feel more alive and free. Throughout my life sometimes I will have a really rough time with my skin and then things will get better and I won't even remember the trauma I went through, like my brain blocks it out or something. But I think I have to remember the physical and mental anguish I go through when my skin is out of control. Because if I don't remember I fool myself into thinking that I can handle scratching to feel relaxed...and then the cycle repeats. The hard work I need to do now is to break the itch-scratch cycle.

3. Three words have been playing over and over in my mind lately: Calm, purposed and loved. It's like God planted them into my head. I want to be more calm, taking time each day to do the tasks I have to do, not feeling rushed and full of anxiety over them. I want to feel and embrace the purpose God gave me as a mother and as a creative person. I often have such negative talk going on in my head. I get anxious about silly household tasks, then I scratch to relieve that anxiety and then I feel guilty about scratching. I've just become more aware of how ludicrous this mode of living is. I wasn't created to live like this. I know I was created for more and I know I am loved. But I don't think I very often love myself very much because I don't view myself through the lens of God. I think their is much healing to be had by basking in the love of God. I certainly haven't done much of that. I've basked in the lies that he is shaking his head at me often...but deep down I know he loves me. I am precious in his sight and I have worth because he loves me. Sometimes those just feel like words to me, but I pray they sink into my heart like an anchor slowly sinks into the depths of the sea.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

my view, bucking the trend and archie boy

1. Out my window (which is very large, and I am very paranoid about people looking in from the street) I can see beautiful red leaves on the tree, an orange pumpkin and a bright yellow mum. They are reminders of fall that will soon be gone as winter arrives.

2. I have realized that I have bucked the trend on a lot of baby things this year and I am kind of proud of my confidence in the things I have done. I have tackled cloth diapering and found that I quite like it. We had him start sleeping on his stomach from an early age and because of that he sleeps well. And I think egg yolks will be his first food, which I learned from doing my research....grains should be one of the last things introduced because of how their digestive systems form. They need lots of fat to start out with.

3. Archie is starting to reach for me which is pretty cute. He also nuzzles his head into my shoulder sometimes which I also love. He was giggling a lot today when I was giving him kisses on his tummy :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

forgetfulness, consuming vs. doing and personal style

1. Eek, I forgot to blog again yesterday. Maybe since I wrote the post so late at night, the night before I somehow thought it counted...

2. I am realizing some days I would rather read about cool projects on various blogs all day than actually do projects myself. I don't like that. I want to become more of a "doer" without feeling overwhelmed.

3. Ever since I read about Sydney from The Daybook blog on Oh Joy, I have read lots and lots of her archives. Not sure why I became so obsessed. Sadly, she is another mormon blogger, but I did read a cool quote from the Mormon church on her blog that said something like..."Success outside the home will never compensate for failures in the home." Mormons sure know how to knit strong, loving families-- I will give them that. I read one of her posts on how she set out to find her own personal style. I feel like I would like to do the same. I feel artsy and creative, but pulling outfits together from what I own just seems really hard sometimes. It's something I want to work on this year.

Monday, October 24, 2011

neurodermatitis, cod liver oil and ideas for walls

1. Wow. Who knew a late night of blog reading and a glass of wine could lead to a pretty interesting self-diagnosis? I've been reading these crazy, earthy, Christian mama blogs lately and have heard a few different people reference the Weston A Price Foundation, which is a group dedicated to traditions in food, medicine, etc. The other day I read a really informative article on what foods to start babies on when they are ready, which oddly enough seems to be egg yolks. Sometimes I feel guilty about my blog loving nature, but God is very much moving through these blogs to lead me to some answers. So, back to my self diagnosis. I read a word tonight that I have never heard before. Neurodermatitis. I think I have it. In the Weston A Price article, it describes people with neurodermatitis as having, "An inner life where the emphasis is on the head can lead to brooding too much about oneself and strict self control." That's all I can think about sometimes, because I tend to find myself scratching all the time. It says, "People who suffer from neurodermatitis tend to be “nervy” and hyperactive. The skin is excessively awake and overreacts, leading to inflammation. Reduced circulation in the hands and feet—cold hands and feet—and inability to tolerate bright sunlight are common in those with a tendency to neurodermatitis."

I literally just read all this, so I need to let it soak in a bit, but I feel like what I have has a name, and that is a big deal. Of course, I know I have excema, but there is a lot more to it, and this is part of it. I am on a journey of healing right now, of claiming the beauty in life for myself. I know no one is going to do the work for me. So, I need to take ownership of all of this with joy. There is a lot of joy to be had. Lots of beauty to be created. Lots of love to be felt. I am ready. Ready for the work, ready for the joy. It has been a long time. I am ready Lord to be the woman you created me to be.

2. Cod liver oil is apparently something I should definitely be taking. As well as proline and glycine.

3. The Lord keeps putting ideas in my head of things to put on these walls that keep staring me down. Now, doing the work to pull these ideas off is another thing!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

forgot to blog, truth, and a sad/tired archie

1. I remembered I forgot to blog last night when I was in bed, so I decided not to sweat it even though I was mad for breaking my streak.

2. Darren spoke truth into me tonight. Told me to focus on the things that bring me joy and reminded me that we will pass down more good qualities to our kids than bad.

3. Archie and I ended up in the Little Lights room this morning cause he gets tired and when he gets tired he gets loud, thus making me take him out of the sanctuary. I am kind of tired of this routine but it was fun seeing the little kids like Danny, Maren and Emmett.

Friday, October 21, 2011

over-planning, egg yolks and bias tape

1. Over-planning things in a day is no good.

2. I think the first food I will introduce to Archie is egg yolks...based on my research...not just because I like egg yolks...hehe

3. I bought bias tape to make a birthday banner today. I am excited to start family traditions with our family of 3 :)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Preservatives, KTIS and Muffaletta

1. Too many things have preservatives. Lately I have noticed normal things like olives, parmesan cheese, english muffins, as well as many other things I like have preservatives. Argh.

2. Lately I have been listening to KTIS when I can handle it. I can usually handle about two songs for encouragement and then I get annoyed by the cheesiness. But today as I was driving, they were talking about how gas prices are going up this weekend, so it would probably be a good idea to get gas today. Thanks KTIS.

3. Mmmmm Muffaletta. Beer cheese soup, salad, wine - need I say more? Oh, and a red dipey....hehehe. It was a fun night. And I hung my Be filled with Joy print all by myself.

Comfort I heard last night

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Isaiah 40:11

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush[a] and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west. "
Isaiah 43:1-5

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.
Isaiah 43:18-21

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

time, Isaiah and heat

1. I need to find better uses of my time in the afternoon, or rather I need to be more constructive with my time.

2. Isaiah 40 (I think) is a passage I want to look up.

3. I like the feeling of the heat on, I feel cozy and sleep better.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

intentional play, ECFE and hulu

1. This morning I played with Archer on the floor for a while without any other distractions and we listened to the Belle Brigade, I think it set the trajectory for the rest of the day.

2. He didn't cry at ECFE today! It was great.

3. He has taken a long nap today in which I decided to watch two silly shows on hulu. To justify this I must say that I haven't watched anything on hulu for a few months. I watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills go to Beaver Creek and I watched an episode of the Rachel Zoe Project. It was a glorious afternoon.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The Greenway, people and qunioa cakes

1. Walking on the Greenway is delightful, so is walking in Powderhorn Park-- two things I don't do much of but have in the past few days.

2. Being with people is good for me and good for Archie.

3. We had quinoa cakes at 8:00 tonight. I am so tired. It is 8:56. I get very tired from carting Archie around all day and from standing on the wood floor- we need a new kitchen rug.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

wendell berry, milk and a new week

1. Wendell Berry makes me want to become a farmer and resist modernization. I guess I sometimes like when I feel easily influenced :)

2. My milk supply is lower than it has been. I may try fenugreek (sp?). It stresses me out when Archer seems to want/need more milk.

3. Tomorrow is Monday, the beginning of a new week. I need to embrace my days with Archer better. I just so love the weekends when Darren is home all day, playing with us, giving me a break and making us all happier. But, I am a stay-at-home mom now and I want to learn how to welcome this new mommy world with open arms. My main complaint with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is very hard to take places because of his many naps, and I go crazy if I stay at home all day. My main joy with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is mine and more wondrous and magical than I could have ever dreamt.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

dreams, writing, hand towels and a bonus! ...an organized closet

1. Today has been a great day! After I fed Archer at 8:30 in bed, Darren took him and I slept till 11. And I really slept! I had crazy dreams during that time...one of the dreams was that it was the end of the world and instead of people turning into zombies which is sometimes depicted in pop-culture, people in my dream turned into soccer players. Yes, soccer players. And it was somehow very creepy. They were just kicking balls all around with sullen faces. I was just happy about the deep sleep I got.

2. I would like to become a better writer. I don't know how to use grammar very well. I was inspired by reading From Black High Heels to Tractor Wheels. Ree Drummond writes like she talks and I would like to acquire that skill. I think it's very powerful.

3. I think we are going to try to abolish our massive consumption of paper towels. Sadly, it's one wasteful thing we have been okay with through our whole marriage. But I think buying a bunch of cheap hand towels from IKEA and putting them in a basket will be a better, hopefully comparable solution.

4. I am throwing in a bonus here (#4). I organized my closet today according to pants, cardigans, dresses, skirts tops and sweaters. It felt so liberating. I saw my friend Jayme's organized closet recently and thought to myself, "I deserve that too." I feel organization is something that produces anxiety for me, but I love the outcome. I am feeling like overall I just want to take more ownership of all the things I deep down, truly want...the things that anxiety has robbed me of.

Friday, October 14, 2011

olives, patterns and dancing

1. I dropped a jar of olives today at the grocery store. The jar broke and I felt weird.

2. Today I started being aware of my patterns. I didn't try to stop them or feel guilty about them, I just sat in the awareness of them and it felt good. I think changing these patterns is possible even if it's slow.

3. Today my grandma told me about an article she read about methods to keep your brain young. She excitedly told me that ballroom dancing was one of the top things on the list. I guess I will have to take up ballroom dancing when I am older...but I don't know if I could handle the Eagles Club that we visited recently where she regularly dances. Such a bizarre place.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

3 things a day for a month

I am challenging myself to write three thoughts or questions a day for a month. They may just be sentences or they may be more. I guess I am just curious to track some of the things that go through my head and heart in that amount of time. I have a horrible memory, so this will help me remember these next 30 days. Here we go:

1. I am developing defined smile lines from smiling at Archer so much.

2. Forgiveness works... I need to remember this important conversation.





3. How come it seems difficult to truly help a grieving friend? Is it because grief is something we can't undo? Maybe it's not as difficult as we think.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

still small

The leaves are changing these days, they aren't quite at their peak, but almost. We had to get outside today. We decided where to go once we were in the car. Red Wing was the destination. The sun shined bright in the blue sky as we meandered through the river bluffs.

Archie boy, you are still small. You were crabby today as we walked by the river, so I fed you on a park bench and then you calmed down and we smooched your cheeks. You make little squeals now that are so cute, and your personality is starting to show up as you start to interact with us more. But you are still my little baby...dependent on us for everything. Pretty soon you will be able to crawl, sit up, eat food and talk, but for now you need us for everything. And I like that. I know soon enough you will want to do everything yourself. So for now I cherish being your mama in the most basic of ways.

Today as you cried in the coffee shop, I just rocked back and forth for a few minutes and you fell asleep in my arms. Once you were in lala land, I had your dad get up to see your little sleeping face. We marveled at how beautiful you are, just like everyone else does. We pulled down your little lip to look at your toothies that are making there way up. Everything about you is so miraculous. Each day a new page of your story is written and we get to watch it all unfold. Thank you for this blessing Lord.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

slavery and the promise of hope

Sometimes it's easier to just write nice things, because honestly it's hard to put the hard things out there. But life can be hard. There will always be a wrestling in our hearts until the Lord comes and makes things new. This passage in Romans 7 has been resonating with me lately.

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

Sometimes my body feels weak, but overall I feel like God gave me a strong body. My mind is usually weaker than my body. I feel so trapped by these excema/anxiety cycles that come and go in intensity. Like Paul, I feel enslaved to them. They can feel so consuming, with such defeating power. I know my sin nature is strong, but why do I feel like God isn't as strong in my life sometimes? How come I so often feel like I am bound to making bad decisions, just like Paul, like a slave to them. For me, my anxiety is most apparent when doing the smallest of things like putting away the laundry feel absolutely daunting, leading me to scratch at just the thought of the task.

I don't want this to be my legacy though. And I don't want my precious son to see his mom in such (what I feel to be unnecessary) agony at times. So what do I want? I want to start taking some ownership. I want to start exerting some self-discipline. I want to use my time wisely. Some days feel so hard to me, in my head, I just say, "well that was a throw away day." And that make me sad. Most of my life I've had a hard time being content to live in the here and now. I am always living for the next big thing. And honestly, I feel like all the big things have happened now. I met the love of my life through the most beautiful mysteriousness of God, and was able to marry that man. We bought a house, another "big thing" checked off the list. And somehow God has blessed us with this perfect little child. So, what now?

I hear God ever so quietly telling me to start to learn how to take care of myself. Even though that doesn't look like a big thing to most, I know it's something I need to learn to do and it's a big daunting thing for me. I need to lean on God for his strength because I am really good at being bad to myself. And I am now a mom, which can feel pretty open-ended in the sense that I can take that as seriously or not as serious as I want. But I know it's a big job that God has entrusted to me. I know I am doing "kingdom work" with Archer, or at least have the opportunity to do "kingdom work" if I choose.

So, deep down, I want to do kingdom work. I want to take care of myself, really, I want to be unhindered from myself. I want to breathe in the fresh air everyday with my son. I want to sleep well. I want to love my husband with my arms wide open. I want to look beautiful and feel beautiful. I want to wear clothes that speak to the art and creativity in my heart, so people can know that I do care about my appearance. Sure that sounds shallow, but most days I dress to either hide whatever part of my skin is broken out, or I'll wear a light color do that skin flakes don't show up...and for a creative person, I just feel like it's a way that I smolder out beauty on a daily basis. I want to feel strong too. I want my body to feel really strong and I want to feel strong in the choices that I make. Like someone who is really walking near the Lord, not as someone who claims to be but then turns her head the other way.

God show up for me. Show me that I although sin courses through me and is all around me that I don't have to be a slave to it. Show me that you are bigger and stronger. Show me that taking care of myself isn't selfish. May I ask that you pour into me until overflowing so with that overflow I can pour into myself and my family?

Thank you, Lord for second chances. Thank you for working in me even if it's through what feels like a lot of hard times sometimes. Thank you for your hope.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

to know you are loved

Archie was sad tonight. Earlier during the afternoon we were at Target and he was starting to expire. I picked him up out of his stroller and tried to calm him down. As I was looking at him I noticed a little bit of blood mixed with drool on his chubby cheeks. That pinkish drool also lined the collar of his shirt. We realized his crabiness these past few weeks is probably due to the fact that he is starting to teeth. Poor little guy.

So tonight it was just Archie and me and he was sad again. Often times I get annoyed when he cries so much because it can be pretty tiring. But tonight I knew he may be in pain. Little teeth are making their way through the gum line which can't feel good. I felt compassion for my little one. I took some orajel and tried to rub what I could on his gums as he squirmed around. I just wanted to him to feel comfort. Then I took off his drool-soaked t-shirt and pants since he likes to just be in his diaper. We marched on up to his room and I put a dry diaper on him as his cries were still belting out.

Before he got sad tonight while he was still napping, I was thinking of all the different things I could do with "my" time while he would sit occupied in his jumperoo or chair. But something changed in my heart when he got up from his nap. My baby was in pain and I just wanted to comfort him more than anything else. So, just clothed in his diaper I turned down the light, wrapped one of his snuggliest blankets around him, turned on Bon Iver and we rocked. I didn't rock him to put him to sleep. I rocked him because I wanted him to know, to feel, that he was loved. I held him close and looked at his little slobbery hands on my chest and then would stand him up on my lap and stare into his perfect almond shaped eyes while kissing his cheeks. We rocked and listened to the soft music until it was time for him to go to bed. He was calm and happy and hopefully went to bed with the knowledge of how much he is loved.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Where Life is Found


cooking • motherhood • being in nature • writing • reflecting • remembering God's work in my life • loving Darren • investing in family • prayer • music • risk • reading • designing • being in the Word • laughter • resting • serving • learning • changing • friendship • letting go • being quiet • photography • God • staring into Archer's eyes

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Farmer's Market baby food

My dear friend Liz is on a kick to preserve all the yuminess of the season in her freezer. I am really excited for her seasonal food blog that is set to launch in the coming month! She has inspired me to take the best of this year's harvest to make baby food for Archer when he will be eating it this winter. I have never bought so many vegetables at the Farmer's Market before! We had to make several trips back to the car with our loot! I spent about $20 for carrots, green beans, parsnips, and multiple varieties of squash. It was my first time at the Midtown Farmer's Market and I was quite impressed with the selection.

The next day, my mom and I then prepped/cleaned all the veggies, chopped them and steamed them and then pureed them all. It was kind of a therapeutic process. We used muffin tins and ice cube trays to store everything. I think I will make another trip in the next few weeks to make more baby food for Archer. It's inexpensive and all organic. Yum!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

a day in the life at 15 weeks

I thought I would write out what a typical day looks like for Archie and me. We finally kind of have settled into a schedule now that he is over 3 months. He still isn't sleeping through the night completely but we have made some big strides in the past month.

There are a lot of baby books out there with different parenting/sleep strategy ideas. I am familiar with most of them and have read quite a few. We decided to generally adhere to the Baby Wise Method. We aren't super duper strict with it, but it has provided a good framework for our family. The main premise of Baby Wise is that babies work in 3 hour cycles of sleep, eat and play...never feeding them in order for them to sleep (as they see this as a "sleep prop"). Sometimes it just works out that we feed him to sleep, but he isn't dependent on it in order to sleep which is nice.

This is what yesterday looked like for us:
• Archer woke up at 12:30 am screaming bloody murder! We have just been letting him cry to sleep at that time or Darren will get up to rock him to soothe him a bit, but last night was different. Darren got up to rock him and he was still pretty upset after a while just thrashing all over the place (he is a very strong baby!)...so Darren brought him in and was worried something was wrong with him. I didn't think anything was wrong with him, he was just really upset and really wanting to eat, something we are trying to break him of. I ended up feeding him to just get him to calm down.

•Archer woke up again at 3:30ish and I brought him into bed with me and fed him again as I have been allowing him to eat at that time...feeling like right now it's okay that he is eating once a night. I want to drop this feeding soon too, just not sure when since about every few nights he is still doing 2 feedings.

• Archer woke up again around 7 am and again I brought him in to bed with me to nurse. At this point he usually reeks of pee since we don't change him during the night! After I feed him I put him back to sleep in his crib.

• I too went back to bed at this point! Archer usually sleeps until around 9:30 or 10.

• I went and got him up and talked with him a little. He is so cute in the morning and pretty smiley :) He really likes cooing on his changing table. I take his sleep sack off and his super heavy disposable diaper (ick) and put on his cloth diaper. Then we went downstairs and I got some breakfast and put him either in his chair or new (used) Jumperoo that his grandma just got him.

• I checked my email and some of my favorite blogs and facebook as I ate and chatted with Archie.

• After he is up for an hour or so in the morning he is usually pretty tired again so I put him back to bed and then I get a little time for myself to get ready for the day!

• Yesterday I showered, got dressed, made the bed and then sat on my bed and spent some time in the Word. I have been going through Exodus. I usually ponder some of the things I read, like God talking with Moses on Mount Sinai...and think, "Man I would really like to visit Mount Sinai someday." I pray God keeps the things I have read on my heart in and in my mind throughout the day.

• Then I come downstairs, and sat outside on the porch and wrote my first blog entry.

• After a while Archer gets up and I feed him again and change his dipeys (as we call them) :)

• I put him in his seat and make lunch for myself.

• Then we go on some errands. He still cries when I put him in his carseat but he usually calms down after the car is moving for a while. We went to the bank and got gas. It was such a nice day, in the low 80's without a cloud in the sky...so I thought I would try to put him in his stroller and go on a walk near Minnehaha Falls. That only lasts about 5 mins which is a pretty discouraging thing for me lately. I would love to be able to 1.) take him outside more and 2.) get some exercise. But I totally look like a negligent mom with him screaming his head off as I stroll around (even though he is fine, just fussy).

• We get home and then I put him down for another nap

• I then decide to get dinner started and make some chilli. Archer gets up after about an hour and then Darren gets home around 5:30. We eat around 6 and Archer sits right next to us in his seat.

And that is a day in our little life right now

Monday, August 29, 2011

This new season

I set up this blog about a month ago without even making a post! I guess that is called "Life with a baby!" Everyday there are things I think of that I want to write down to remember this time as a new mother. Our life changed pretty drastically a little over 3 months ago. We've been taking a lot of pictures and videos and I have been writing down all the little milestones of Archer's sweet little life so far, but I want to remember my feelings and longings of this time...the space in between.

Pretty much everyday I have feelings that fluctuate between:
"Oh my gosh, I love this little boy more than anything on the planet!"
AND
"Thank God he is down for a nap!"

I guess that is just the way of motherhood though. It has been such a sweet journey for me individually and for us becoming a family of three. We have become parents this year, a transition in life that only happens once. We have learned to have more patience with each other, serve each other more fully, and learn what sacrifice really means. All of these learned things have come through hard times of frustration with Archer crying, or realizing one of us has been with Archer for a long time and needs a break or seeing the weariness on one of our faces. Someone told me a few months ago that God uses babies to transform you more into the image of Himself. I really believe that and am thankful for this hard but mostly beautiful season in our life.