stirrings

I had a amazing unexpected conversation the other day with a good friend. The night before we had begun talking about the differences between guilt and conviction and got to continue that discussion the following day. We agreed that guilt is a feeling and conviction is something that God stirs within you to move you to action. And whatever that conviction is will be supported by numerous sources...not just one.

This conversation has been resonating in my heart the past few days. I struggle with feeling guilty about a lot of things that I shouldn't feel guilty about. Focusing on what things I feel convicted about has felt somehow freeing and life-giving. I have had a string of stirrings lately that I think paint a little bit of the conviction picture happening in me.

I guess I should preface this post by saying that I love sewing, even though I am a novice. The possibilities of things you can make with all the different fabrics, patterns and books are endless. I should also say that I am in search of an outlet right now, but the sort of outlet that actually contributes something useful to the world. Not just to satisfy my desire to create.

 stirring one:

When we were out on the farm in Montana about a month ago, one of my mother-in-law's old high school friends came over to visit. She brought with her a photo album of a recent trip she went on. Her little quilting circle in very rural Montana took a trip to the island of Dominica to teach a group of women there how to sew. They raised a bunch of money to also donate sewing machines to this group of women. Their little grassroots effort was really inspiring and frankly unexpected to hear about coming from a farmer's wife. But I know how big God is and he works through all types and it's not beyond me that he chose to use this woman to show me something.


stirring two:

My sweet brother eagerly wanted to go to India to work with the most broken-hearted people in India through an organization that helps women get out of sex trafficking and to share the rescuing work of the love of God. These women are able to stop selling their bodies when they are taught a skill: how to sew. They sew bags of all shape and size and in turn grow their dignity and self-worth back. It was inspiring to see him have hands so open to God. He was ready and willing but it was decided that it wasn't his time to go. In the midst of the feelings we've all had about him not being able to go, we trust God is always working in ways we can't quite wrap our minds around. I probably wouldn't have known about these women who are being empowered to leave their former lives if it weren't for my brother being interested in going there.

stirring three:

I read an article in Mpls/St.Paul Magazine a few weeks ago about a new store in Maiden Rock, WI. It said they featured goods from artisans around the world. We drove through Maiden Rock on the way to Stockholm during our anniversary weekend. As we were driving we drove by Cultural Cloth and I had Darren turn around just so we could check it out. As it turns out I was the first to tell them that they had been featured in this magazine. I wasn't even going to say anything, but I am trying to take more relational risks. As we got to talking, it became clear that they primarily sell the work of women artisans as way to help women stand on their own two feet.


stirring four:

I was telling my friend about my brother possibly going to India and she told me about Sari Bari.

"Sari Bari is a safe place of employment where women who have been exploited in the sex trade or who are vulnerable to trafficking can experience a new life in the making.

The name "Sari Bari" comes from two symbols. A sari is the traditional clothing worn by women in India. In India, a sari represents the essence of womanhood. The word bari mean "house or home" in the Bengali language."

They make the most beautiful products out of old saris! As a graphic designer I was really impressed with the presentation of their website. Automatically, I started thinking about what weddings, babies, showers, etc we had coming up so that I could possibly purchase one of their beautiful blankets. The beauty of their work drew me in.




so, I guess I don't know what this all means or what God is trying to awaken me to. I feel him showing me these things though and I am trying to connect the dots and see what it all means...

we are going to india in a few months, and although we will be traveling with Target Corp., I know I will learn more about the deeper issues of poverty and injustice that I personally have never entered into. what will become of all of this?

The intersection of:

creativity 

oppressed women around the world

sewing

introducing practical, life-saving skills

all kind of fascinate me right now and I pray these stirrings settle deeper and deeper into my heart and turn into action. photo below from apne aap (another group I just learned about)
the photo below is women, in beautifully bright saris, learning about what their legal rights are)

voices

time to spill. I need to spill right now. a lot of things swirling around in my head as usual.

isn't the biggest question always, "where does God want me? want us?"..."are we listening? are we following?"

that seems really unclear to me right now and I can't see what is ahead. I want to have some amazing goal to work towards and actually be strong enough mentally and physically to make some sort of difference. 

i keep hearing, "work on the little things that feel so big to you and then I will reveal the rest of the plan"...

but those little things constantly feel like giant hurdles and somewhere within me, I don't feel like I am worthy of jumping over them. but i know that i am and want to be brave enough to start. start somewhere.

that feels so selfish to me though, how come I can't get over the selfishness of working on my own crap. their is some sort of blockage in my brain, that i am completely aware of, that keeps me from feeling like a healthy amount of attention, care and love for myself is a good thing. 

there is hard work ahead and i have to stop listening to all the lies i have listened to for so long. i know there is work required of me, work that i have to do, stuff God isn't going to do for me. stuff he wants me to do on my own.

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i want to chase after motherhood. i want to be free to experience it with fun, creativity, joy, craziness. but i just keep looking at everyone else. but right now i am at motherhood. and when i think of that word i feel. i feel a lot. for the next 18 years, my role as mother is going to be daily. and nightly. and all the time. 

so, i want to revel in it. i want to be strong for myself, for my family. i want to push ahead. take risks. be myself. let others in. but not too much sometimes. i want to do what i feel led to do more often instead of ignoring that still, small voice.

and i also want to lose myself in it all. because i am not the point. i want to become strong and in that process i want to lose the things i pride myself in. paradox, yes. this whole life is a paradox, especially faith. 

there has to be a certain element of humor in the things that i see to be so hard sometimes, that i so desperately wish were "easy" or natural for me. like sleeping. like really sleeping. i usually just take that time to let my mind wander as much as it wants. i guess it's more like ruminating. my mind goes in circles and i scratch as it goes in circles. i think of people i talked to during the day, things i saw, the week ahead, people i tend to judge, people i wish were different, heaven, the planet, the big questions, pretty much everything that has made an impact on me- good or bad. sometimes i look around and see the night, but i am usually awake with my eyes shut. taking for granted the minutes ticking by. then waking up tired to an energetic baby. but i feel like i have to be militant or something about how i approach sleep for it to change and that feels weird to me- like punishment i don't really deserve. so i usually just have the same night every night like groundhog's day. it's so dysfunctional that that is my reality. it feels good to write this down and make it all less personal. i need to change how i see the hours from 11-7. and somehow not see it as punishment.

then i need to wake up before the baby and shower. that sounds monumental and very adult. i don't often feel like an adult. then i would like to desire a healthy breakfast, work out at some point in the day, etc. in some part of my mind, i think i would have achieved some place that i think i should achieve if these things were regularly a part of my daily routine. but that voice that is always telling me that is a mean one. it is not filled with grace or humor. and that voice tells me that i will lose part of myself if i do these things... but that is good according to this voice, because who i am is lazy and unstructured and undeserving.

time to challenge that voice. another voice. a voice of love in my head says doing these things won't make me lose myself, but i will find myself a little more each time i jump a hurdle. that voice says, "go after these things". "not everyday will be perfect, but with time you will see fruits." the fruits of consistency. "you won't be morphed into some person you despise, but rather you will be matured into the person God intended you to be".

lord help me listen to those words, that voice, your voice.

today and the farm

Not feeling so hot. I woke up with diarrhea and have had it half of the day so far. I want to write what is presently happening more often, and guess what, today it is diarrhea. I want Darren to come home and watch the baby so I can sleep, but I also want to be strong and be able to manage without him.

The farm was so great. Before going on the trip, for the first time, I mentally made a list of all the things I was excited about. It's somewhat of a strange place, the dry prairie lands. Some people would probably go crazy there, but I think it's nice that it truly slows your pace down and forces you to appreciate the small things-- the big sky, the dry ground, the native grasses, good food, and family.

I appreciated the farm in a different way this trip. Uncle Tom took us out in his pick-up through on the dirt road, venturing off into the grasses of the rolling fields. We saw little oasis's of water for the cattle, and big expanses of sky. I asked many questions about the land and their farming practices. I saw empty farm outfits imagining myself and our little family living in one. But the loneliness, oh the loneliness would be heavy. I imagine a shift, a major shift would take place. Family would become the main social outlet, and friends would be a luxury, like an oasis for the cattle.

I hear baby babbling on the monitor. I wish I could have got my hair dried before he woke up, but alas...