creativity, fighting and 3 words

1. I have been challenged to do something creative everyday by the counselor I am seeing. It's been a good challenge, mainly because I feel pretty inspired right now. Lots of sewing projects are floating around in my head. But I just try to make a little progress everyday.

2. I am really fighting for freedom from excema right now. So much of these past 15 years with excema have been such a roller coaster...good skin, bad skin, good skin, bad skin....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am so tired of it. Finally so tired that I am ready and willing to do hard work. Work that I haven't done before. It has really been such an eye-opening journey as of late. Being in counseling, learning of new treatments (cod-liver oil, a book called Skin Deep), somewhat making myself doing something creative everyday-- have all made me feel more alive and free. Throughout my life sometimes I will have a really rough time with my skin and then things will get better and I won't even remember the trauma I went through, like my brain blocks it out or something. But I think I have to remember the physical and mental anguish I go through when my skin is out of control. Because if I don't remember I fool myself into thinking that I can handle scratching to feel relaxed...and then the cycle repeats. The hard work I need to do now is to break the itch-scratch cycle.

3. Three words have been playing over and over in my mind lately: Calm, purposed and loved. It's like God planted them into my head. I want to be more calm, taking time each day to do the tasks I have to do, not feeling rushed and full of anxiety over them. I want to feel and embrace the purpose God gave me as a mother and as a creative person. I often have such negative talk going on in my head. I get anxious about silly household tasks, then I scratch to relieve that anxiety and then I feel guilty about scratching. I've just become more aware of how ludicrous this mode of living is. I wasn't created to live like this. I know I was created for more and I know I am loved. But I don't think I very often love myself very much because I don't view myself through the lens of God. I think their is much healing to be had by basking in the love of God. I certainly haven't done much of that. I've basked in the lies that he is shaking his head at me often...but deep down I know he loves me. I am precious in his sight and I have worth because he loves me. Sometimes those just feel like words to me, but I pray they sink into my heart like an anchor slowly sinks into the depths of the sea.

my view, bucking the trend and archie boy

1. Out my window (which is very large, and I am very paranoid about people looking in from the street) I can see beautiful red leaves on the tree, an orange pumpkin and a bright yellow mum. They are reminders of fall that will soon be gone as winter arrives.

2. I have realized that I have bucked the trend on a lot of baby things this year and I am kind of proud of my confidence in the things I have done. I have tackled cloth diapering and found that I quite like it. We had him start sleeping on his stomach from an early age and because of that he sleeps well. And I think egg yolks will be his first food, which I learned from doing my research....grains should be one of the last things introduced because of how their digestive systems form. They need lots of fat to start out with.

3. Archie is starting to reach for me which is pretty cute. He also nuzzles his head into my shoulder sometimes which I also love. He was giggling a lot today when I was giving him kisses on his tummy :)

forgetfulness, consuming vs. doing and personal style

1. Eek, I forgot to blog again yesterday. Maybe since I wrote the post so late at night, the night before I somehow thought it counted...

2. I am realizing some days I would rather read about cool projects on various blogs all day than actually do projects myself. I don't like that. I want to become more of a "doer" without feeling overwhelmed.

3. Ever since I read about Sydney from The Daybook blog on Oh Joy, I have read lots and lots of her archives. Not sure why I became so obsessed. Sadly, she is another mormon blogger, but I did read a cool quote from the Mormon church on her blog that said something like..."Success outside the home will never compensate for failures in the home." Mormons sure know how to knit strong, loving families-- I will give them that. I read one of her posts on how she set out to find her own personal style. I feel like I would like to do the same. I feel artsy and creative, but pulling outfits together from what I own just seems really hard sometimes. It's something I want to work on this year.

neurodermatitis, cod liver oil and ideas for walls

1. Wow. Who knew a late night of blog reading and a glass of wine could lead to a pretty interesting self-diagnosis? I've been reading these crazy, earthy, Christian mama blogs lately and have heard a few different people reference the Weston A Price Foundation, which is a group dedicated to traditions in food, medicine, etc. The other day I read a really informative article on what foods to start babies on when they are ready, which oddly enough seems to be egg yolks. Sometimes I feel guilty about my blog loving nature, but God is very much moving through these blogs to lead me to some answers. So, back to my self diagnosis. I read a word tonight that I have never heard before. Neurodermatitis. I think I have it. In the Weston A Price article, it describes people with neurodermatitis as having, "An inner life where the emphasis is on the head can lead to brooding too much about oneself and strict self control." That's all I can think about sometimes, because I tend to find myself scratching all the time. It says, "People who suffer from neurodermatitis tend to be “nervy” and hyperactive. The skin is excessively awake and overreacts, leading to inflammation. Reduced circulation in the hands and feet—cold hands and feet—and inability to tolerate bright sunlight are common in those with a tendency to neurodermatitis."

I literally just read all this, so I need to let it soak in a bit, but I feel like what I have has a name, and that is a big deal. Of course, I know I have excema, but there is a lot more to it, and this is part of it. I am on a journey of healing right now, of claiming the beauty in life for myself. I know no one is going to do the work for me. So, I need to take ownership of all of this with joy. There is a lot of joy to be had. Lots of beauty to be created. Lots of love to be felt. I am ready. Ready for the work, ready for the joy. It has been a long time. I am ready Lord to be the woman you created me to be.

2. Cod liver oil is apparently something I should definitely be taking. As well as proline and glycine.

3. The Lord keeps putting ideas in my head of things to put on these walls that keep staring me down. Now, doing the work to pull these ideas off is another thing!

forgot to blog, truth, and a sad/tired archie

1. I remembered I forgot to blog last night when I was in bed, so I decided not to sweat it even though I was mad for breaking my streak.

2. Darren spoke truth into me tonight. Told me to focus on the things that bring me joy and reminded me that we will pass down more good qualities to our kids than bad.

3. Archie and I ended up in the Little Lights room this morning cause he gets tired and when he gets tired he gets loud, thus making me take him out of the sanctuary. I am kind of tired of this routine but it was fun seeing the little kids like Danny, Maren and Emmett.

over-planning, egg yolks and bias tape

1. Over-planning things in a day is no good.

2. I think the first food I will introduce to Archie is egg yolks...based on my research...not just because I like egg yolks...hehe

3. I bought bias tape to make a birthday banner today. I am excited to start family traditions with our family of 3 :)

Preservatives, KTIS and Muffaletta

1. Too many things have preservatives. Lately I have noticed normal things like olives, parmesan cheese, english muffins, as well as many other things I like have preservatives. Argh.

2. Lately I have been listening to KTIS when I can handle it. I can usually handle about two songs for encouragement and then I get annoyed by the cheesiness. But today as I was driving, they were talking about how gas prices are going up this weekend, so it would probably be a good idea to get gas today. Thanks KTIS.

3. Mmmmm Muffaletta. Beer cheese soup, salad, wine - need I say more? Oh, and a red dipey....hehehe. It was a fun night. And I hung my Be filled with Joy print all by myself.

Comfort I heard last night

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Isaiah 40:11

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush^[a] and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west. "
Isaiah 43:1-5

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.
Isaiah 43:18-21

time, Isaiah and heat

1. I need to find better uses of my time in the afternoon, or rather I need to be more constructive with my time.

2. Isaiah 40 (I think) is a passage I want to look up.

3. I like the feeling of the heat on, I feel cozy and sleep better.

intentional play, ECFE and hulu

1. This morning I played with Archer on the floor for a while without any other distractions and we listened to the Belle Brigade, I think it set the trajectory for the rest of the day.

2. He didn't cry at ECFE today! It was great.

3. He has taken a long nap today in which I decided to watch two silly shows on hulu. To justify this I must say that I haven't watched anything on hulu for a few months. I watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills go to Beaver Creek and I watched an episode of the Rachel Zoe Project. It was a glorious afternoon.

The Greenway, people and qunioa cakes

1. Walking on the Greenway is delightful, so is walking in Powderhorn Park-- two things I don't do much of but have in the past few days.

2. Being with people is good for me and good for Archie.

3. We had quinoa cakes at 8:00 tonight. I am so tired. It is 8:56. I get very tired from carting Archie around all day and from standing on the wood floor- we need a new kitchen rug.

wendell berry, milk and a new week

1. Wendell Berry makes me want to become a farmer and resist modernization. I guess I sometimes like when I feel easily influenced :)

2. My milk supply is lower than it has been. I may try fenugreek (sp?). It stresses me out when Archer seems to want/need more milk.

3. Tomorrow is Monday, the beginning of a new week. I need to embrace my days with Archer better. I just so love the weekends when Darren is home all day, playing with us, giving me a break and making us all happier. But, I am a stay-at-home mom now and I want to learn how to welcome this new mommy world with open arms. My main complaint with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is very hard to take places because of his many naps, and I go crazy if I stay at home all day. My main joy with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is mine and more wondrous and magical than I could have ever dreamt.

dreams, writing, hand towels and a bonus! ...an organized closet

1. Today has been a great day! After I fed Archer at 8:30 in bed, Darren took him and I slept till 11. And I really slept! I had crazy dreams during that time...one of the dreams was that it was the end of the world and instead of people turning into zombies which is sometimes depicted in pop-culture, people in my dream turned into soccer players. Yes, soccer players. And it was somehow very creepy. They were just kicking balls all around with sullen faces. I was just happy about the deep sleep I got.

2. I would like to become a better writer. I don't know how to use grammar very well. I was inspired by reading From Black High Heels to Tractor Wheels. Ree Drummond writes like she talks and I would like to acquire that skill. I think it's very powerful.

3. I think we are going to try to abolish our massive consumption of paper towels. Sadly, it's one wasteful thing we have been okay with through our whole marriage. But I think buying a bunch of cheap hand towels from IKEA and putting them in a basket will be a better, hopefully comparable solution.

4. I am throwing in a bonus here (#4). I organized my closet today according to pants, cardigans, dresses, skirts tops and sweaters. It felt so liberating. I saw my friend Jayme's organized closet recently and thought to myself, "I deserve that too." I feel organization is something that produces anxiety for me, but I love the outcome. I am feeling like overall I just want to take more ownership of all the things I deep down, truly want...the things that anxiety has robbed me of.

olives, patterns and dancing

1. I dropped a jar of olives today at the grocery store. The jar broke and I felt weird.

2. Today I started being aware of my patterns. I didn't try to stop them or feel guilty about them, I just sat in the awareness of them and it felt good. I think changing these patterns is possible even if it's slow.

3. Today my grandma told me about an article she read about methods to keep your brain young. She excitedly told me that ballroom dancing was one of the top things on the list. I guess I will have to take up ballroom dancing when I am older...but I don't know if I could handle the Eagles Club that we visited recently where she regularly dances. Such a bizarre place.

3 things a day for a month

I am challenging myself to write three thoughts or questions a day for a month. They may just be sentences or they may be more. I guess I am just curious to track some of the things that go through my head and heart in that amount of time. I have a horrible memory, so this will help me remember these next 30 days. Here we go:

1. I am developing defined smile lines from smiling at Archer so much.

2. Forgiveness works... I need to remember this important conversation.





3. How come it seems difficult to truly help a grieving friend? Is it because grief is something we can't undo? Maybe it's not as difficult as we think.

still small

The leaves are changing these days, they aren't quite at their peak, but almost. We had to get outside today. We decided where to go once we were in the car. Red Wing was the destination. The sun shined bright in the blue sky as we meandered through the river bluffs.

Archie boy, you are still small. You were crabby today as we walked by the river, so I fed you on a park bench and then you calmed down and we smooched your cheeks. You make little squeals now that are so cute, and your personality is starting to show up as you start to interact with us more. But you are still my little baby...dependent on us for everything. Pretty soon you will be able to crawl, sit up, eat food and talk, but for now you need us for everything. And I like that. I know soon enough you will want to do everything yourself. So for now I cherish being your mama in the most basic of ways.

Today as you cried in the coffee shop, I just rocked back and forth for a few minutes and you fell asleep in my arms. Once you were in lala land, I had your dad get up to see your little sleeping face. We marveled at how beautiful you are, just like everyone else does. We pulled down your little lip to look at your toothies that are making there way up. Everything about you is so miraculous. Each day a new page of your story is written and we get to watch it all unfold. Thank you for this blessing Lord.