slavery and the promise of hope

Sometimes it's easier to just write nice things, because honestly it's hard to put the hard things out there. But life can be hard. There will always be a wrestling in our hearts until the Lord comes and makes things new. This passage in Romans 7 has been resonating with me lately.

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

Sometimes my body feels weak, but overall I feel like God gave me a strong body. My mind is usually weaker than my body. I feel so trapped by these excema/anxiety cycles that come and go in intensity. Like Paul, I feel enslaved to them. They can feel so consuming, with such defeating power. I know my sin nature is strong, but why do I feel like God isn't as strong in my life sometimes? How come I so often feel like I am bound to making bad decisions, just like Paul, like a slave to them. For me, my anxiety is most apparent when doing the smallest of things like putting away the laundry feel absolutely daunting, leading me to scratch at just the thought of the task.

I don't want this to be my legacy though. And I don't want my precious son to see his mom in such (what I feel to be unnecessary) agony at times. So what do I want? I want to start taking some ownership. I want to start exerting some self-discipline. I want to use my time wisely. Some days feel so hard to me, in my head, I just say, "well that was a throw away day." And that make me sad. Most of my life I've had a hard time being content to live in the here and now. I am always living for the next big thing. And honestly, I feel like all the big things have happened now. I met the love of my life through the most beautiful mysteriousness of God, and was able to marry that man. We bought a house, another "big thing" checked off the list. And somehow God has blessed us with this perfect little child. So, what now?

I hear God ever so quietly telling me to start to learn how to take care of myself. Even though that doesn't look like a big thing to most, I know it's something I need to learn to do and it's a big daunting thing for me. I need to lean on God for his strength because I am really good at being bad to myself. And I am now a mom, which can feel pretty open-ended in the sense that I can take that as seriously or not as serious as I want. But I know it's a big job that God has entrusted to me. I know I am doing "kingdom work" with Archer, or at least have the opportunity to do "kingdom work" if I choose.

So, deep down, I want to do kingdom work. I want to take care of myself, really, I want to be unhindered from myself. I want to breathe in the fresh air everyday with my son. I want to sleep well. I want to love my husband with my arms wide open. I want to look beautiful and feel beautiful. I want to wear clothes that speak to the art and creativity in my heart, so people can know that I do care about my appearance. Sure that sounds shallow, but most days I dress to either hide whatever part of my skin is broken out, or I'll wear a light color do that skin flakes don't show up...and for a creative person, I just feel like it's a way that I smolder out beauty on a daily basis. I want to feel strong too. I want my body to feel really strong and I want to feel strong in the choices that I make. Like someone who is really walking near the Lord, not as someone who claims to be but then turns her head the other way.

God show up for me. Show me that I although sin courses through me and is all around me that I don't have to be a slave to it. Show me that you are bigger and stronger. Show me that taking care of myself isn't selfish. May I ask that you pour into me until overflowing so with that overflow I can pour into myself and my family?

Thank you, Lord for second chances. Thank you for working in me even if it's through what feels like a lot of hard times sometimes. Thank you for your hope.