survivial mode

There have been so many times in the past month where I have daydreamed about this moment...sitting at a coffee shop by myself with my computer. It has taken a month or so for me to get here because I have just been getting by. Just surviving.

I am so tired. My brain is running fast and yet my body has been so paralyzed. So many negative thoughts, so much yuckiness. I have been here before.

But somehow I have been sustained. By God, by ever-loving, sacrificial husband, by my friends, by my baby boy. It has been such a hard time, but I am still hopeful and am still learning stuff about myself.

Things learned lately:

• My body and my mind, my emotions are more sensitive that I would like to admit. My body and my mind take a lot of things in and it's not easy for me to shake things off all the time.

• I need a break from being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is WAY more than a full time job. It's an all the time job. It's okay for me to need a break, and it's healthy. It's not a sign of weakness, just a reality that this is a hard job....super rewarding but super taxing at times, especially when I am not at my strongest. Archie is the second love of my life and he deserves a mom who isn't in a state of survival.

• It's okay to ask for and accept help.

• I am not good at moving!!!!! This process has produced more anxiety than anything else. And doing two moves in a month is not the smartest idea.

Anyway, just a few things learned recently. I would love to process through more of this, but I could go in a million different directions, so I am going to keep it short and sweet. This is just more of a record of this time more than anything else. I am hopeful things will feel more life-giving soon(ish).

feasting and fasting

I think this is true, we are constantly going in phases, in cycles, whatever you want to call them. We can't fast all the time and we can't feast all the time, there are seasons for both. I really like this post by one of my fave bloggers, Edie. I don't think I am going to join the Advocare program she is talking about, but I like the concept of taking time each year to focus more on the fasting side of things... http://www.lifeingraceblog.com/2012/09/advocares-24-day-challenge/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+lifeingrace+%28lifeingrace%29

Archie at 15 mos. -- A true joy.

My little Archeese. You are 15 months going on 16 and such a joy. When we wake up in the mornings we snuggle in the glider chair until we are both awake enough to face the day. Your long baby curls just about the sweetest thing ever, so soft and baby fine. A scisscors hasn't touched your hair yet, once it does you can never go back! A lifetime of haircuts await you, but for now, I gently sweep your hair out of your eyes.

We do everything and go everywhere together. You are just starting to walk, a handful of steps is about your limit, but everytime you bravely take those steps we cheer for you and clap our hands, which in turn makes you clap your hands :)

Every box, open container or bag at your reach gets dug in at every chance you get. You love putting things in containers and taking things out of containers. It's my own fault for leaving things, like my purse (one of your favorite things to get into) on the floor. We are trying to get better at making our home(s) more friendly for you. It's something I am slowly adapting to. Each day I am realizing more and more that this is your home, your territory and it's in the best interest of you and us to arrange everything around you. Someday I will be able to have more fragile, delicate things around, but we are in a different season right now.

You say "ball" all the time, and can say "uh oh" and mama (which sounds like a nasally ba ba) and dada. You even call peas, balls :)

Somedays I get caught up in how much work you are. I get anxious when you whine or seem needy, or just want me to hold you. But I know these days are fleeting, and some day I will long for you crawling around in your little diapers getting into everything. Keeping some perspective has meant that I am able to enjoy these at times exhausting days. 

You are a blessing to me. And to your dad. The pure joy your have brought our family cannot be put into words. Yes you are a boy, but your beauty alone is just breathtaking. I could have never imagined God would bless us with this incredibly beautiful, sweet, funny baby. I am honored to be your mama.