creativity, fighting and 3 words

1. I have been challenged to do something creative everyday by the counselor I am seeing. It's been a good challenge, mainly because I feel pretty inspired right now. Lots of sewing projects are floating around in my head. But I just try to make a little progress everyday.

2. I am really fighting for freedom from excema right now. So much of these past 15 years with excema have been such a roller coaster...good skin, bad skin, good skin, bad skin....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am so tired of it. Finally so tired that I am ready and willing to do hard work. Work that I haven't done before. It has really been such an eye-opening journey as of late. Being in counseling, learning of new treatments (cod-liver oil, a book called Skin Deep), somewhat making myself doing something creative everyday-- have all made me feel more alive and free. Throughout my life sometimes I will have a really rough time with my skin and then things will get better and I won't even remember the trauma I went through, like my brain blocks it out or something. But I think I have to remember the physical and mental anguish I go through when my skin is out of control. Because if I don't remember I fool myself into thinking that I can handle scratching to feel relaxed...and then the cycle repeats. The hard work I need to do now is to break the itch-scratch cycle.

3. Three words have been playing over and over in my mind lately: Calm, purposed and loved. It's like God planted them into my head. I want to be more calm, taking time each day to do the tasks I have to do, not feeling rushed and full of anxiety over them. I want to feel and embrace the purpose God gave me as a mother and as a creative person. I often have such negative talk going on in my head. I get anxious about silly household tasks, then I scratch to relieve that anxiety and then I feel guilty about scratching. I've just become more aware of how ludicrous this mode of living is. I wasn't created to live like this. I know I was created for more and I know I am loved. But I don't think I very often love myself very much because I don't view myself through the lens of God. I think their is much healing to be had by basking in the love of God. I certainly haven't done much of that. I've basked in the lies that he is shaking his head at me often...but deep down I know he loves me. I am precious in his sight and I have worth because he loves me. Sometimes those just feel like words to me, but I pray they sink into my heart like an anchor slowly sinks into the depths of the sea.