voices

time to spill. I need to spill right now. a lot of things swirling around in my head as usual.

isn't the biggest question always, "where does God want me? want us?"..."are we listening? are we following?"

that seems really unclear to me right now and I can't see what is ahead. I want to have some amazing goal to work towards and actually be strong enough mentally and physically to make some sort of difference. 

i keep hearing, "work on the little things that feel so big to you and then I will reveal the rest of the plan"...

but those little things constantly feel like giant hurdles and somewhere within me, I don't feel like I am worthy of jumping over them. but i know that i am and want to be brave enough to start. start somewhere.

that feels so selfish to me though, how come I can't get over the selfishness of working on my own crap. their is some sort of blockage in my brain, that i am completely aware of, that keeps me from feeling like a healthy amount of attention, care and love for myself is a good thing. 

there is hard work ahead and i have to stop listening to all the lies i have listened to for so long. i know there is work required of me, work that i have to do, stuff God isn't going to do for me. stuff he wants me to do on my own.

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i want to chase after motherhood. i want to be free to experience it with fun, creativity, joy, craziness. but i just keep looking at everyone else. but right now i am at motherhood. and when i think of that word i feel. i feel a lot. for the next 18 years, my role as mother is going to be daily. and nightly. and all the time. 

so, i want to revel in it. i want to be strong for myself, for my family. i want to push ahead. take risks. be myself. let others in. but not too much sometimes. i want to do what i feel led to do more often instead of ignoring that still, small voice.

and i also want to lose myself in it all. because i am not the point. i want to become strong and in that process i want to lose the things i pride myself in. paradox, yes. this whole life is a paradox, especially faith. 

there has to be a certain element of humor in the things that i see to be so hard sometimes, that i so desperately wish were "easy" or natural for me. like sleeping. like really sleeping. i usually just take that time to let my mind wander as much as it wants. i guess it's more like ruminating. my mind goes in circles and i scratch as it goes in circles. i think of people i talked to during the day, things i saw, the week ahead, people i tend to judge, people i wish were different, heaven, the planet, the big questions, pretty much everything that has made an impact on me- good or bad. sometimes i look around and see the night, but i am usually awake with my eyes shut. taking for granted the minutes ticking by. then waking up tired to an energetic baby. but i feel like i have to be militant or something about how i approach sleep for it to change and that feels weird to me- like punishment i don't really deserve. so i usually just have the same night every night like groundhog's day. it's so dysfunctional that that is my reality. it feels good to write this down and make it all less personal. i need to change how i see the hours from 11-7. and somehow not see it as punishment.

then i need to wake up before the baby and shower. that sounds monumental and very adult. i don't often feel like an adult. then i would like to desire a healthy breakfast, work out at some point in the day, etc. in some part of my mind, i think i would have achieved some place that i think i should achieve if these things were regularly a part of my daily routine. but that voice that is always telling me that is a mean one. it is not filled with grace or humor. and that voice tells me that i will lose part of myself if i do these things... but that is good according to this voice, because who i am is lazy and unstructured and undeserving.

time to challenge that voice. another voice. a voice of love in my head says doing these things won't make me lose myself, but i will find myself a little more each time i jump a hurdle. that voice says, "go after these things". "not everyday will be perfect, but with time you will see fruits." the fruits of consistency. "you won't be morphed into some person you despise, but rather you will be matured into the person God intended you to be".

lord help me listen to those words, that voice, your voice.