survivial mode

There have been so many times in the past month where I have daydreamed about this moment...sitting at a coffee shop by myself with my computer. It has taken a month or so for me to get here because I have just been getting by. Just surviving.

I am so tired. My brain is running fast and yet my body has been so paralyzed. So many negative thoughts, so much yuckiness. I have been here before.

But somehow I have been sustained. By God, by ever-loving, sacrificial husband, by my friends, by my baby boy. It has been such a hard time, but I am still hopeful and am still learning stuff about myself.

Things learned lately:

• My body and my mind, my emotions are more sensitive that I would like to admit. My body and my mind take a lot of things in and it's not easy for me to shake things off all the time.

• I need a break from being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is WAY more than a full time job. It's an all the time job. It's okay for me to need a break, and it's healthy. It's not a sign of weakness, just a reality that this is a hard job....super rewarding but super taxing at times, especially when I am not at my strongest. Archie is the second love of my life and he deserves a mom who isn't in a state of survival.

• It's okay to ask for and accept help.

• I am not good at moving!!!!! This process has produced more anxiety than anything else. And doing two moves in a month is not the smartest idea.

Anyway, just a few things learned recently. I would love to process through more of this, but I could go in a million different directions, so I am going to keep it short and sweet. This is just more of a record of this time more than anything else. I am hopeful things will feel more life-giving soon(ish).