the fullness

Henri Nouwen says writing is crucial to make sense of spiritual things. I think I would have to agree. One of my biggest struggles is often feeling misunderstood because I am unable to clearly communicate what I am feeling and thinking. So, I would like to try to write some of these thoughts out even though I am not confident about my writing skills and often worry what people will think of my thoughts. These past six months I have been working through a lot of these fears and barriers in my life.

I have and haven't done a whole of lot of processing regarding Archie's birth and life thus far. I have recorded milestones and little moments which I am happy to have, but that isn't necessarily processing the enormity that is this little life so connected to my own.  I know I definitely haven't made space for the floodgates of absolute emotion to open and overflow through my soul. Having a child is such a beautifully, scary thing. Their is the temptation to never fully feel the whole of emotions about the existence of your child because the thought of anything ever happening to them is absolutely soul-crushing. And if you never fully feel, than you will never be fully crushed if anything horrible happens. I don't want to be a parent who gives in to this temptation. Daily I want to try at least to experience the fullness of the joy and sorrow that is sharing in the life of another being. That requires a lot of vulnerability and emotional strength though. It's much easier to always be on autopilot, feel a little joy, a little sorrow but never be swallowed whole by those emotions. And I suppose that is a good thing, because we are suppose to reign in our emotions, but we need to be able to allow ourselves to feel the fullness here and there. I think that is a way that God prunes our dead branches and produces fruit, when we continually approach him with our lives lived with open hands.