creativity, fighting and 3 words

1. I have been challenged to do something creative everyday by the counselor I am seeing. It's been a good challenge, mainly because I feel pretty inspired right now. Lots of sewing projects are floating around in my head. But I just try to make a little progress everyday.

2. I am really fighting for freedom from excema right now. So much of these past 15 years with excema have been such a roller coaster...good skin, bad skin, good skin, bad skin....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I am so tired of it. Finally so tired that I am ready and willing to do hard work. Work that I haven't done before. It has really been such an eye-opening journey as of late. Being in counseling, learning of new treatments (cod-liver oil, a book called Skin Deep), somewhat making myself doing something creative everyday-- have all made me feel more alive and free. Throughout my life sometimes I will have a really rough time with my skin and then things will get better and I won't even remember the trauma I went through, like my brain blocks it out or something. But I think I have to remember the physical and mental anguish I go through when my skin is out of control. Because if I don't remember I fool myself into thinking that I can handle scratching to feel relaxed...and then the cycle repeats. The hard work I need to do now is to break the itch-scratch cycle.

3. Three words have been playing over and over in my mind lately: Calm, purposed and loved. It's like God planted them into my head. I want to be more calm, taking time each day to do the tasks I have to do, not feeling rushed and full of anxiety over them. I want to feel and embrace the purpose God gave me as a mother and as a creative person. I often have such negative talk going on in my head. I get anxious about silly household tasks, then I scratch to relieve that anxiety and then I feel guilty about scratching. I've just become more aware of how ludicrous this mode of living is. I wasn't created to live like this. I know I was created for more and I know I am loved. But I don't think I very often love myself very much because I don't view myself through the lens of God. I think their is much healing to be had by basking in the love of God. I certainly haven't done much of that. I've basked in the lies that he is shaking his head at me often...but deep down I know he loves me. I am precious in his sight and I have worth because he loves me. Sometimes those just feel like words to me, but I pray they sink into my heart like an anchor slowly sinks into the depths of the sea.

my view, bucking the trend and archie boy

1. Out my window (which is very large, and I am very paranoid about people looking in from the street) I can see beautiful red leaves on the tree, an orange pumpkin and a bright yellow mum. They are reminders of fall that will soon be gone as winter arrives.

2. I have realized that I have bucked the trend on a lot of baby things this year and I am kind of proud of my confidence in the things I have done. I have tackled cloth diapering and found that I quite like it. We had him start sleeping on his stomach from an early age and because of that he sleeps well. And I think egg yolks will be his first food, which I learned from doing my research....grains should be one of the last things introduced because of how their digestive systems form. They need lots of fat to start out with.

3. Archie is starting to reach for me which is pretty cute. He also nuzzles his head into my shoulder sometimes which I also love. He was giggling a lot today when I was giving him kisses on his tummy :)

forgetfulness, consuming vs. doing and personal style

1. Eek, I forgot to blog again yesterday. Maybe since I wrote the post so late at night, the night before I somehow thought it counted...

2. I am realizing some days I would rather read about cool projects on various blogs all day than actually do projects myself. I don't like that. I want to become more of a "doer" without feeling overwhelmed.

3. Ever since I read about Sydney from The Daybook blog on Oh Joy, I have read lots and lots of her archives. Not sure why I became so obsessed. Sadly, she is another mormon blogger, but I did read a cool quote from the Mormon church on her blog that said something like..."Success outside the home will never compensate for failures in the home." Mormons sure know how to knit strong, loving families-- I will give them that. I read one of her posts on how she set out to find her own personal style. I feel like I would like to do the same. I feel artsy and creative, but pulling outfits together from what I own just seems really hard sometimes. It's something I want to work on this year.

neurodermatitis, cod liver oil and ideas for walls

1. Wow. Who knew a late night of blog reading and a glass of wine could lead to a pretty interesting self-diagnosis? I've been reading these crazy, earthy, Christian mama blogs lately and have heard a few different people reference the Weston A Price Foundation, which is a group dedicated to traditions in food, medicine, etc. The other day I read a really informative article on what foods to start babies on when they are ready, which oddly enough seems to be egg yolks. Sometimes I feel guilty about my blog loving nature, but God is very much moving through these blogs to lead me to some answers. So, back to my self diagnosis. I read a word tonight that I have never heard before. Neurodermatitis. I think I have it. In the Weston A Price article, it describes people with neurodermatitis as having, "An inner life where the emphasis is on the head can lead to brooding too much about oneself and strict self control." That's all I can think about sometimes, because I tend to find myself scratching all the time. It says, "People who suffer from neurodermatitis tend to be “nervy” and hyperactive. The skin is excessively awake and overreacts, leading to inflammation. Reduced circulation in the hands and feet—cold hands and feet—and inability to tolerate bright sunlight are common in those with a tendency to neurodermatitis."

I literally just read all this, so I need to let it soak in a bit, but I feel like what I have has a name, and that is a big deal. Of course, I know I have excema, but there is a lot more to it, and this is part of it. I am on a journey of healing right now, of claiming the beauty in life for myself. I know no one is going to do the work for me. So, I need to take ownership of all of this with joy. There is a lot of joy to be had. Lots of beauty to be created. Lots of love to be felt. I am ready. Ready for the work, ready for the joy. It has been a long time. I am ready Lord to be the woman you created me to be.

2. Cod liver oil is apparently something I should definitely be taking. As well as proline and glycine.

3. The Lord keeps putting ideas in my head of things to put on these walls that keep staring me down. Now, doing the work to pull these ideas off is another thing!

forgot to blog, truth, and a sad/tired archie

1. I remembered I forgot to blog last night when I was in bed, so I decided not to sweat it even though I was mad for breaking my streak.

2. Darren spoke truth into me tonight. Told me to focus on the things that bring me joy and reminded me that we will pass down more good qualities to our kids than bad.

3. Archie and I ended up in the Little Lights room this morning cause he gets tired and when he gets tired he gets loud, thus making me take him out of the sanctuary. I am kind of tired of this routine but it was fun seeing the little kids like Danny, Maren and Emmett.

over-planning, egg yolks and bias tape

1. Over-planning things in a day is no good.

2. I think the first food I will introduce to Archie is egg yolks...based on my research...not just because I like egg yolks...hehe

3. I bought bias tape to make a birthday banner today. I am excited to start family traditions with our family of 3 :)

Preservatives, KTIS and Muffaletta

1. Too many things have preservatives. Lately I have noticed normal things like olives, parmesan cheese, english muffins, as well as many other things I like have preservatives. Argh.

2. Lately I have been listening to KTIS when I can handle it. I can usually handle about two songs for encouragement and then I get annoyed by the cheesiness. But today as I was driving, they were talking about how gas prices are going up this weekend, so it would probably be a good idea to get gas today. Thanks KTIS.

3. Mmmmm Muffaletta. Beer cheese soup, salad, wine - need I say more? Oh, and a red dipey....hehehe. It was a fun night. And I hung my Be filled with Joy print all by myself.

Comfort I heard last night

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Isaiah 40:11

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush^[a] and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west. "
Isaiah 43:1-5

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.
Isaiah 43:18-21

time, Isaiah and heat

1. I need to find better uses of my time in the afternoon, or rather I need to be more constructive with my time.

2. Isaiah 40 (I think) is a passage I want to look up.

3. I like the feeling of the heat on, I feel cozy and sleep better.

intentional play, ECFE and hulu

1. This morning I played with Archer on the floor for a while without any other distractions and we listened to the Belle Brigade, I think it set the trajectory for the rest of the day.

2. He didn't cry at ECFE today! It was great.

3. He has taken a long nap today in which I decided to watch two silly shows on hulu. To justify this I must say that I haven't watched anything on hulu for a few months. I watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills go to Beaver Creek and I watched an episode of the Rachel Zoe Project. It was a glorious afternoon.

The Greenway, people and qunioa cakes

1. Walking on the Greenway is delightful, so is walking in Powderhorn Park-- two things I don't do much of but have in the past few days.

2. Being with people is good for me and good for Archie.

3. We had quinoa cakes at 8:00 tonight. I am so tired. It is 8:56. I get very tired from carting Archie around all day and from standing on the wood floor- we need a new kitchen rug.

wendell berry, milk and a new week

1. Wendell Berry makes me want to become a farmer and resist modernization. I guess I sometimes like when I feel easily influenced :)

2. My milk supply is lower than it has been. I may try fenugreek (sp?). It stresses me out when Archer seems to want/need more milk.

3. Tomorrow is Monday, the beginning of a new week. I need to embrace my days with Archer better. I just so love the weekends when Darren is home all day, playing with us, giving me a break and making us all happier. But, I am a stay-at-home mom now and I want to learn how to welcome this new mommy world with open arms. My main complaint with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is very hard to take places because of his many naps, and I go crazy if I stay at home all day. My main joy with a baby at almost 5 mos. is that he is mine and more wondrous and magical than I could have ever dreamt.

dreams, writing, hand towels and a bonus! ...an organized closet

1. Today has been a great day! After I fed Archer at 8:30 in bed, Darren took him and I slept till 11. And I really slept! I had crazy dreams during that time...one of the dreams was that it was the end of the world and instead of people turning into zombies which is sometimes depicted in pop-culture, people in my dream turned into soccer players. Yes, soccer players. And it was somehow very creepy. They were just kicking balls all around with sullen faces. I was just happy about the deep sleep I got.

2. I would like to become a better writer. I don't know how to use grammar very well. I was inspired by reading From Black High Heels to Tractor Wheels. Ree Drummond writes like she talks and I would like to acquire that skill. I think it's very powerful.

3. I think we are going to try to abolish our massive consumption of paper towels. Sadly, it's one wasteful thing we have been okay with through our whole marriage. But I think buying a bunch of cheap hand towels from IKEA and putting them in a basket will be a better, hopefully comparable solution.

4. I am throwing in a bonus here (#4). I organized my closet today according to pants, cardigans, dresses, skirts tops and sweaters. It felt so liberating. I saw my friend Jayme's organized closet recently and thought to myself, "I deserve that too." I feel organization is something that produces anxiety for me, but I love the outcome. I am feeling like overall I just want to take more ownership of all the things I deep down, truly want...the things that anxiety has robbed me of.

olives, patterns and dancing

1. I dropped a jar of olives today at the grocery store. The jar broke and I felt weird.

2. Today I started being aware of my patterns. I didn't try to stop them or feel guilty about them, I just sat in the awareness of them and it felt good. I think changing these patterns is possible even if it's slow.

3. Today my grandma told me about an article she read about methods to keep your brain young. She excitedly told me that ballroom dancing was one of the top things on the list. I guess I will have to take up ballroom dancing when I am older...but I don't know if I could handle the Eagles Club that we visited recently where she regularly dances. Such a bizarre place.

3 things a day for a month

I am challenging myself to write three thoughts or questions a day for a month. They may just be sentences or they may be more. I guess I am just curious to track some of the things that go through my head and heart in that amount of time. I have a horrible memory, so this will help me remember these next 30 days. Here we go:

1. I am developing defined smile lines from smiling at Archer so much.

2. Forgiveness works... I need to remember this important conversation.





3. How come it seems difficult to truly help a grieving friend? Is it because grief is something we can't undo? Maybe it's not as difficult as we think.

still small

The leaves are changing these days, they aren't quite at their peak, but almost. We had to get outside today. We decided where to go once we were in the car. Red Wing was the destination. The sun shined bright in the blue sky as we meandered through the river bluffs.

Archie boy, you are still small. You were crabby today as we walked by the river, so I fed you on a park bench and then you calmed down and we smooched your cheeks. You make little squeals now that are so cute, and your personality is starting to show up as you start to interact with us more. But you are still my little baby...dependent on us for everything. Pretty soon you will be able to crawl, sit up, eat food and talk, but for now you need us for everything. And I like that. I know soon enough you will want to do everything yourself. So for now I cherish being your mama in the most basic of ways.

Today as you cried in the coffee shop, I just rocked back and forth for a few minutes and you fell asleep in my arms. Once you were in lala land, I had your dad get up to see your little sleeping face. We marveled at how beautiful you are, just like everyone else does. We pulled down your little lip to look at your toothies that are making there way up. Everything about you is so miraculous. Each day a new page of your story is written and we get to watch it all unfold. Thank you for this blessing Lord.

slavery and the promise of hope

Sometimes it's easier to just write nice things, because honestly it's hard to put the hard things out there. But life can be hard. There will always be a wrestling in our hearts until the Lord comes and makes things new. This passage in Romans 7 has been resonating with me lately.

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

Sometimes my body feels weak, but overall I feel like God gave me a strong body. My mind is usually weaker than my body. I feel so trapped by these excema/anxiety cycles that come and go in intensity. Like Paul, I feel enslaved to them. They can feel so consuming, with such defeating power. I know my sin nature is strong, but why do I feel like God isn't as strong in my life sometimes? How come I so often feel like I am bound to making bad decisions, just like Paul, like a slave to them. For me, my anxiety is most apparent when doing the smallest of things like putting away the laundry feel absolutely daunting, leading me to scratch at just the thought of the task.

I don't want this to be my legacy though. And I don't want my precious son to see his mom in such (what I feel to be unnecessary) agony at times. So what do I want? I want to start taking some ownership. I want to start exerting some self-discipline. I want to use my time wisely. Some days feel so hard to me, in my head, I just say, "well that was a throw away day." And that make me sad. Most of my life I've had a hard time being content to live in the here and now. I am always living for the next big thing. And honestly, I feel like all the big things have happened now. I met the love of my life through the most beautiful mysteriousness of God, and was able to marry that man. We bought a house, another "big thing" checked off the list. And somehow God has blessed us with this perfect little child. So, what now?

I hear God ever so quietly telling me to start to learn how to take care of myself. Even though that doesn't look like a big thing to most, I know it's something I need to learn to do and it's a big daunting thing for me. I need to lean on God for his strength because I am really good at being bad to myself. And I am now a mom, which can feel pretty open-ended in the sense that I can take that as seriously or not as serious as I want. But I know it's a big job that God has entrusted to me. I know I am doing "kingdom work" with Archer, or at least have the opportunity to do "kingdom work" if I choose.

So, deep down, I want to do kingdom work. I want to take care of myself, really, I want to be unhindered from myself. I want to breathe in the fresh air everyday with my son. I want to sleep well. I want to love my husband with my arms wide open. I want to look beautiful and feel beautiful. I want to wear clothes that speak to the art and creativity in my heart, so people can know that I do care about my appearance. Sure that sounds shallow, but most days I dress to either hide whatever part of my skin is broken out, or I'll wear a light color do that skin flakes don't show up...and for a creative person, I just feel like it's a way that I smolder out beauty on a daily basis. I want to feel strong too. I want my body to feel really strong and I want to feel strong in the choices that I make. Like someone who is really walking near the Lord, not as someone who claims to be but then turns her head the other way.

God show up for me. Show me that I although sin courses through me and is all around me that I don't have to be a slave to it. Show me that you are bigger and stronger. Show me that taking care of myself isn't selfish. May I ask that you pour into me until overflowing so with that overflow I can pour into myself and my family?

Thank you, Lord for second chances. Thank you for working in me even if it's through what feels like a lot of hard times sometimes. Thank you for your hope.

to know you are loved

Archie was sad tonight. Earlier during the afternoon we were at Target and he was starting to expire. I picked him up out of his stroller and tried to calm him down. As I was looking at him I noticed a little bit of blood mixed with drool on his chubby cheeks. That pinkish drool also lined the collar of his shirt. We realized his crabiness these past few weeks is probably due to the fact that he is starting to teeth. Poor little guy.

So tonight it was just Archie and me and he was sad again. Often times I get annoyed when he cries so much because it can be pretty tiring. But tonight I knew he may be in pain. Little teeth are making their way through the gum line which can't feel good. I felt compassion for my little one. I took some orajel and tried to rub what I could on his gums as he squirmed around. I just wanted to him to feel comfort. Then I took off his drool-soaked t-shirt and pants since he likes to just be in his diaper. We marched on up to his room and I put a dry diaper on him as his cries were still belting out.

Before he got sad tonight while he was still napping, I was thinking of all the different things I could do with "my" time while he would sit occupied in his jumperoo or chair. But something changed in my heart when he got up from his nap. My baby was in pain and I just wanted to comfort him more than anything else. So, just clothed in his diaper I turned down the light, wrapped one of his snuggliest blankets around him, turned on Bon Iver and we rocked. I didn't rock him to put him to sleep. I rocked him because I wanted him to know, to feel, that he was loved. I held him close and looked at his little slobbery hands on my chest and then would stand him up on my lap and stare into his perfect almond shaped eyes while kissing his cheeks. We rocked and listened to the soft music until it was time for him to go to bed. He was calm and happy and hopefully went to bed with the knowledge of how much he is loved.

Where Life is Found

cooking • motherhood • being in nature • writing • reflecting • remembering God's work in my life • loving Darren • investing in family • prayer • music • risk • reading • designing • being in the Word • laughter • resting • serving • learning • changing • friendship • letting go • being quiet • photography • God • staring into Archer's eyes

Farmer's Market baby food

My dear friend Liz is on a kick to preserve all the yuminess of the season in her freezer. I am really excited for her seasonal food blog that is set to launch in the coming month! She has inspired me to take the best of this year's harvest to make baby food for Archer when he will be eating it this winter. I have never bought so many vegetables at the Farmer's Market before! We had to make several trips back to the car with our loot! I spent about $20 for carrots, green beans, parsnips, and multiple varieties of squash. It was my first time at the Midtown Farmer's Market and I was quite impressed with the selection.

The next day, my mom and I then prepped/cleaned all the veggies, chopped them and steamed them and then pureed them all. It was kind of a therapeutic process. We used muffin tins and ice cube trays to store everything. I think I will make another trip in the next few weeks to make more baby food for Archer. It's inexpensive and all organic. Yum!

a day in the life at 15 weeks

I thought I would write out what a typical day looks like for Archie and me. We finally kind of have settled into a schedule now that he is over 3 months. He still isn't sleeping through the night completely but we have made some big strides in the past month.

There are a lot of baby books out there with different parenting/sleep strategy ideas. I am familiar with most of them and have read quite a few. We decided to generally adhere to the Baby Wise Method. We aren't super duper strict with it, but it has provided a good framework for our family. The main premise of Baby Wise is that babies work in 3 hour cycles of sleep, eat and play...never feeding them in order for them to sleep (as they see this as a "sleep prop"). Sometimes it just works out that we feed him to sleep, but he isn't dependent on it in order to sleep which is nice.

This is what yesterday looked like for us:
• Archer woke up at 12:30 am screaming bloody murder! We have just been letting him cry to sleep at that time or Darren will get up to rock him to soothe him a bit, but last night was different. Darren got up to rock him and he was still pretty upset after a while just thrashing all over the place (he is a very strong baby!)...so Darren brought him in and was worried something was wrong with him. I didn't think anything was wrong with him, he was just really upset and really wanting to eat, something we are trying to break him of. I ended up feeding him to just get him to calm down.

•Archer woke up again at 3:30ish and I brought him into bed with me and fed him again as I have been allowing him to eat at that time...feeling like right now it's okay that he is eating once a night. I want to drop this feeding soon too, just not sure when since about every few nights he is still doing 2 feedings.

• Archer woke up again around 7 am and again I brought him in to bed with me to nurse. At this point he usually reeks of pee since we don't change him during the night! After I feed him I put him back to sleep in his crib.

• I too went back to bed at this point! Archer usually sleeps until around 9:30 or 10.

• I went and got him up and talked with him a little. He is so cute in the morning and pretty smiley :) He really likes cooing on his changing table. I take his sleep sack off and his super heavy disposable diaper (ick) and put on his cloth diaper. Then we went downstairs and I got some breakfast and put him either in his chair or new (used) Jumperoo that his grandma just got him.

• I checked my email and some of my favorite blogs and facebook as I ate and chatted with Archie.

• After he is up for an hour or so in the morning he is usually pretty tired again so I put him back to bed and then I get a little time for myself to get ready for the day!

• Yesterday I showered, got dressed, made the bed and then sat on my bed and spent some time in the Word. I have been going through Exodus. I usually ponder some of the things I read, like God talking with Moses on Mount Sinai...and think, "Man I would really like to visit Mount Sinai someday." I pray God keeps the things I have read on my heart in and in my mind throughout the day.

• Then I come downstairs, and sat outside on the porch and wrote my first blog entry.

• After a while Archer gets up and I feed him again and change his dipeys (as we call them) :)

• I put him in his seat and make lunch for myself.

• Then we go on some errands. He still cries when I put him in his carseat but he usually calms down after the car is moving for a while. We went to the bank and got gas. It was such a nice day, in the low 80's without a cloud in the sky...so I thought I would try to put him in his stroller and go on a walk near Minnehaha Falls. That only lasts about 5 mins which is a pretty discouraging thing for me lately. I would love to be able to 1.) take him outside more and 2.) get some exercise. But I totally look like a negligent mom with him screaming his head off as I stroll around (even though he is fine, just fussy).

• We get home and then I put him down for another nap

• I then decide to get dinner started and make some chilli. Archer gets up after about an hour and then Darren gets home around 5:30. We eat around 6 and Archer sits right next to us in his seat.

And that is a day in our little life right now

This new season

I set up this blog about a month ago without even making a post! I guess that is called "Life with a baby!" Everyday there are things I think of that I want to write down to remember this time as a new mother. Our life changed pretty drastically a little over 3 months ago. We've been taking a lot of pictures and videos and I have been writing down all the little milestones of Archer's sweet little life so far, but I want to remember my feelings and longings of this time...the space in between.

Pretty much everyday I have feelings that fluctuate between:
"Oh my gosh, I love this little boy more than anything on the planet!"
AND
"Thank God he is down for a nap!"

I guess that is just the way of motherhood though. It has been such a sweet journey for me individually and for us becoming a family of three. We have become parents this year, a transition in life that only happens once. We have learned to have more patience with each other, serve each other more fully, and learn what sacrifice really means. All of these learned things have come through hard times of frustration with Archer crying, or realizing one of us has been with Archer for a long time and needs a break or seeing the weariness on one of our faces. Someone told me a few months ago that God uses babies to transform you more into the image of Himself. I really believe that and am thankful for this hard but mostly beautiful season in our life.