survivial mode

There have been so many times in the past month where I have daydreamed about this moment...sitting at a coffee shop by myself with my computer. It has taken a month or so for me to get here because I have just been getting by. Just surviving.

I am so tired. My brain is running fast and yet my body has been so paralyzed. So many negative thoughts, so much yuckiness. I have been here before.

But somehow I have been sustained. By God, by ever-loving, sacrificial husband, by my friends, by my baby boy. It has been such a hard time, but I am still hopeful and am still learning stuff about myself.

Things learned lately:

• My body and my mind, my emotions are more sensitive that I would like to admit. My body and my mind take a lot of things in and it's not easy for me to shake things off all the time.

• I need a break from being a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is WAY more than a full time job. It's an all the time job. It's okay for me to need a break, and it's healthy. It's not a sign of weakness, just a reality that this is a hard job....super rewarding but super taxing at times, especially when I am not at my strongest. Archie is the second love of my life and he deserves a mom who isn't in a state of survival.

• It's okay to ask for and accept help.

• I am not good at moving!!!!! This process has produced more anxiety than anything else. And doing two moves in a month is not the smartest idea.

Anyway, just a few things learned recently. I would love to process through more of this, but I could go in a million different directions, so I am going to keep it short and sweet. This is just more of a record of this time more than anything else. I am hopeful things will feel more life-giving soon(ish).

feasting and fasting

I think this is true, we are constantly going in phases, in cycles, whatever you want to call them. We can't fast all the time and we can't feast all the time, there are seasons for both. I really like this post by one of my fave bloggers, Edie. I don't think I am going to join the Advocare program she is talking about, but I like the concept of taking time each year to focus more on the fasting side of things... http://www.lifeingraceblog.com/2012/09/advocares-24-day-challenge/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+lifeingrace+%28lifeingrace%29

Archie at 15 mos. -- A true joy.

My little Archeese. You are 15 months going on 16 and such a joy. When we wake up in the mornings we snuggle in the glider chair until we are both awake enough to face the day. Your long baby curls just about the sweetest thing ever, so soft and baby fine. A scisscors hasn't touched your hair yet, once it does you can never go back! A lifetime of haircuts await you, but for now, I gently sweep your hair out of your eyes.

We do everything and go everywhere together. You are just starting to walk, a handful of steps is about your limit, but everytime you bravely take those steps we cheer for you and clap our hands, which in turn makes you clap your hands :)

Every box, open container or bag at your reach gets dug in at every chance you get. You love putting things in containers and taking things out of containers. It's my own fault for leaving things, like my purse (one of your favorite things to get into) on the floor. We are trying to get better at making our home(s) more friendly for you. It's something I am slowly adapting to. Each day I am realizing more and more that this is your home, your territory and it's in the best interest of you and us to arrange everything around you. Someday I will be able to have more fragile, delicate things around, but we are in a different season right now.

You say "ball" all the time, and can say "uh oh" and mama (which sounds like a nasally ba ba) and dada. You even call peas, balls :)

Somedays I get caught up in how much work you are. I get anxious when you whine or seem needy, or just want me to hold you. But I know these days are fleeting, and some day I will long for you crawling around in your little diapers getting into everything. Keeping some perspective has meant that I am able to enjoy these at times exhausting days. 

You are a blessing to me. And to your dad. The pure joy your have brought our family cannot be put into words. Yes you are a boy, but your beauty alone is just breathtaking. I could have never imagined God would bless us with this incredibly beautiful, sweet, funny baby. I am honored to be your mama.

strongholds

the ups and downs of moving at the end of August

ups:
My mom making food for Archie without me asking.
Liz making us a surprise meal out of the kindness of her heart.
Liz comforting and encouraging me when I was breaking down.
A nice fan above my head blowing air on me.
My dad taking a day off of work to clean our garage.
A better day today than yesterday.
Coffee.
Kristina being a reliable friend who helps at a moment's notice.
My grandma and David coming to our house to be of use, so open and willing to help.
Marcy playing with Archie.
New mercies. Thank you, Lord.

downs:
Things all over our temp. house that need to find a home.
The HEAT! it's hot out this week! My skin is broken out and more swollen, we are so used to the AC.
Anxiety. My brain gets to a point where it can't do it anymore then I break down, get overwhelmed and scratch and feel awful about the whole cycle.
Feeling a little scared here, not knowing who lives around us.
Not sleeping well. august insomnia for me seems to be a seasonal pattern for me for some reason.
Feeling unsettled.
Not knowing where things are.

---------------------
But hopeful. I need to keep the big picture in mind. I am home wherever I am with my wonderful Darren and my beautiful baby boy. They make my heart sing, I love them so much. oh man, teary just thinking about them. This is therapeutic to just get it all out there. I feel like I am counseling myself right now, ha! Things will get better, Rachel. There is always good mixed in with the hard stuff.

transition

We are moving out of our house and renters are moving in.

In a week we will be in a new home a few miles west of here on Clinton Avenue.

In 68 days we will be on our way to India (!)

Then we will be living in Eden Prairie, and then who knows where (!)

Our dreams and longings of the past few years are becoming a reality. It's very bittersweet. Dreams and longings don't often factor in the hard/uneasy/uncomfortable moments that are involved in making dreams happen.

I didn't so much think about the actual moving process--the packing, the cleaning, the purging, the recruiting of people, the adjusting to a new space... What I thought about was not paying such a high mortgage, getting a different view, more space, a back yard, etc. Those things have all been fulfilled in living at the Thompson's house until we go to India. We will be paying next to nothing. We will have a pretty view out of the back window of the sunset, we will have a larger living room and we will have a back yard, complete with a swing set. God provides.

We will also be in a new area where many of the residents have less mula, play loud music, speak different languages, have looser reigns on their children. Maybe this is somewhat of a pre-cursor to India? I think of this saying when I have feelings of fear about where we are moving: "The Will of God Will Never Take You Where the Grace of God Will Not Protect You." I am really going into this move, claiming freedom from fear! I am determined to not be afraid, to claim and participate in the freedom we are offered through Christ. He has brought us to this home and answered our specific prayers, I need to trust that he will protect us and that this time of preparation for India in all actuality probably be really sweet.

More on all this later, I am tooooo tired to keep writing. Transition is tiring. Especially with at 15 month old! I am sooooooooo tired... but hopeful and very thankful.

gems

I feel like each day I read something...a little gem, a noteworthy post by someone. I take a nugget here, a nugget there...and I would like to keep record of these gems. I know not everyone would agree with these things that I think are gems, but that's ok. I am learning to see that I was created in a certain way, that I am specifically drawn to certain things and not to others and that is a beautiful thing.

So I will start with gem #1.

Sanctification through housekeeping, but more importantly homemaking: http://www.feminagirls.com/2012/08/08/on-never-being-done/

I hope to return to this article when I feel like I am comparing myself to someone who seems like they have it all together all the time...cause that is a myth. Our work is never done, and if we can train ourselves to view our work differently-- the hard work-- the endless dirty diapers, the caring for a child when you are dog tired, the mundaneness of things--, then it may feel a little bit easier, a little bit more beautiful if we can see that we are being sanctified in the process.

a blessing

last night, thinking about how today would go putting archie in the nursery, we thought it would be best if we got him up at 7 so that he could actually take a nap before church started at 10. last week, he was so tired while we were at church, he wouldn't stay in the nursery and he was a handful to carry around while the service was going on. it was frankly very tiring and frustrating. i just wanted to sit and listen to the sermon and have some time alone.

as we were hatching this plan last night, i doubted we would actually get up at 7 to make this all work like we planned. but, i think god, in his mysterious workings, did the work for us. archie got up at 6 this morning on his own (something he never does). he was wide awake and i was worried. i was worried because i did not want to get up then and it really didn't seem like he would go back to sleep. i pulled him into bed with us and he did lie peacefully with me for about 10 mins maybe. then, the little energizer bunny that he is, started standing up and stepping on us and messing with the frames about the headboard like he likes to do. good thing he is so dang cute! after about a half hour of keeping his half-asleep parents half-awake, i asked darren what we should do. he just said we should put him back to sleep. so darren got up and put him down. i doubted he would go back to sleep with how awake he was.

but lo and behold, he went back to sleep right away and slept till 9!!!!! i got in the shower before he was awake too. so awesome! it was just great.

this contributed to three ways that we were blessed this morning. He was well rested and able to stay in the nursery the whole 1 1/2 hours without expiring, this meant i was able to sit through the sermon by myself (darren was doing sound), and it meant that we were able to go out with a new couple after church without archie needing to be brought home right away for a nap. three great things we were blessed with by god. i believe god's hand was involved in waking archie from his sleep when he did, so these things could take place.

thank you lord! help us to look more often for the ways you bless us and care for us...in these small but significant ways.

stirrings

I had a amazing unexpected conversation the other day with a good friend. The night before we had begun talking about the differences between guilt and conviction and got to continue that discussion the following day. We agreed that guilt is a feeling and conviction is something that God stirs within you to move you to action. And whatever that conviction is will be supported by numerous sources...not just one.

This conversation has been resonating in my heart the past few days. I struggle with feeling guilty about a lot of things that I shouldn't feel guilty about. Focusing on what things I feel convicted about has felt somehow freeing and life-giving. I have had a string of stirrings lately that I think paint a little bit of the conviction picture happening in me.

I guess I should preface this post by saying that I love sewing, even though I am a novice. The possibilities of things you can make with all the different fabrics, patterns and books are endless. I should also say that I am in search of an outlet right now, but the sort of outlet that actually contributes something useful to the world. Not just to satisfy my desire to create.

 stirring one:

When we were out on the farm in Montana about a month ago, one of my mother-in-law's old high school friends came over to visit. She brought with her a photo album of a recent trip she went on. Her little quilting circle in very rural Montana took a trip to the island of Dominica to teach a group of women there how to sew. They raised a bunch of money to also donate sewing machines to this group of women. Their little grassroots effort was really inspiring and frankly unexpected to hear about coming from a farmer's wife. But I know how big God is and he works through all types and it's not beyond me that he chose to use this woman to show me something.


stirring two:

My sweet brother eagerly wanted to go to India to work with the most broken-hearted people in India through an organization that helps women get out of sex trafficking and to share the rescuing work of the love of God. These women are able to stop selling their bodies when they are taught a skill: how to sew. They sew bags of all shape and size and in turn grow their dignity and self-worth back. It was inspiring to see him have hands so open to God. He was ready and willing but it was decided that it wasn't his time to go. In the midst of the feelings we've all had about him not being able to go, we trust God is always working in ways we can't quite wrap our minds around. I probably wouldn't have known about these women who are being empowered to leave their former lives if it weren't for my brother being interested in going there.

stirring three:

I read an article in Mpls/St.Paul Magazine a few weeks ago about a new store in Maiden Rock, WI. It said they featured goods from artisans around the world. We drove through Maiden Rock on the way to Stockholm during our anniversary weekend. As we were driving we drove by Cultural Cloth and I had Darren turn around just so we could check it out. As it turns out I was the first to tell them that they had been featured in this magazine. I wasn't even going to say anything, but I am trying to take more relational risks. As we got to talking, it became clear that they primarily sell the work of women artisans as way to help women stand on their own two feet.


stirring four:

I was telling my friend about my brother possibly going to India and she told me about Sari Bari.

"Sari Bari is a safe place of employment where women who have been exploited in the sex trade or who are vulnerable to trafficking can experience a new life in the making.

The name "Sari Bari" comes from two symbols. A sari is the traditional clothing worn by women in India. In India, a sari represents the essence of womanhood. The word bari mean "house or home" in the Bengali language."

They make the most beautiful products out of old saris! As a graphic designer I was really impressed with the presentation of their website. Automatically, I started thinking about what weddings, babies, showers, etc we had coming up so that I could possibly purchase one of their beautiful blankets. The beauty of their work drew me in.




so, I guess I don't know what this all means or what God is trying to awaken me to. I feel him showing me these things though and I am trying to connect the dots and see what it all means...

we are going to india in a few months, and although we will be traveling with Target Corp., I know I will learn more about the deeper issues of poverty and injustice that I personally have never entered into. what will become of all of this?

The intersection of:

creativity 

oppressed women around the world

sewing

introducing practical, life-saving skills

all kind of fascinate me right now and I pray these stirrings settle deeper and deeper into my heart and turn into action. photo below from apne aap (another group I just learned about)
the photo below is women, in beautifully bright saris, learning about what their legal rights are)

voices

time to spill. I need to spill right now. a lot of things swirling around in my head as usual.

isn't the biggest question always, "where does God want me? want us?"..."are we listening? are we following?"

that seems really unclear to me right now and I can't see what is ahead. I want to have some amazing goal to work towards and actually be strong enough mentally and physically to make some sort of difference. 

i keep hearing, "work on the little things that feel so big to you and then I will reveal the rest of the plan"...

but those little things constantly feel like giant hurdles and somewhere within me, I don't feel like I am worthy of jumping over them. but i know that i am and want to be brave enough to start. start somewhere.

that feels so selfish to me though, how come I can't get over the selfishness of working on my own crap. their is some sort of blockage in my brain, that i am completely aware of, that keeps me from feeling like a healthy amount of attention, care and love for myself is a good thing. 

there is hard work ahead and i have to stop listening to all the lies i have listened to for so long. i know there is work required of me, work that i have to do, stuff God isn't going to do for me. stuff he wants me to do on my own.

•

i want to chase after motherhood. i want to be free to experience it with fun, creativity, joy, craziness. but i just keep looking at everyone else. but right now i am at motherhood. and when i think of that word i feel. i feel a lot. for the next 18 years, my role as mother is going to be daily. and nightly. and all the time. 

so, i want to revel in it. i want to be strong for myself, for my family. i want to push ahead. take risks. be myself. let others in. but not too much sometimes. i want to do what i feel led to do more often instead of ignoring that still, small voice.

and i also want to lose myself in it all. because i am not the point. i want to become strong and in that process i want to lose the things i pride myself in. paradox, yes. this whole life is a paradox, especially faith. 

there has to be a certain element of humor in the things that i see to be so hard sometimes, that i so desperately wish were "easy" or natural for me. like sleeping. like really sleeping. i usually just take that time to let my mind wander as much as it wants. i guess it's more like ruminating. my mind goes in circles and i scratch as it goes in circles. i think of people i talked to during the day, things i saw, the week ahead, people i tend to judge, people i wish were different, heaven, the planet, the big questions, pretty much everything that has made an impact on me- good or bad. sometimes i look around and see the night, but i am usually awake with my eyes shut. taking for granted the minutes ticking by. then waking up tired to an energetic baby. but i feel like i have to be militant or something about how i approach sleep for it to change and that feels weird to me- like punishment i don't really deserve. so i usually just have the same night every night like groundhog's day. it's so dysfunctional that that is my reality. it feels good to write this down and make it all less personal. i need to change how i see the hours from 11-7. and somehow not see it as punishment.

then i need to wake up before the baby and shower. that sounds monumental and very adult. i don't often feel like an adult. then i would like to desire a healthy breakfast, work out at some point in the day, etc. in some part of my mind, i think i would have achieved some place that i think i should achieve if these things were regularly a part of my daily routine. but that voice that is always telling me that is a mean one. it is not filled with grace or humor. and that voice tells me that i will lose part of myself if i do these things... but that is good according to this voice, because who i am is lazy and unstructured and undeserving.

time to challenge that voice. another voice. a voice of love in my head says doing these things won't make me lose myself, but i will find myself a little more each time i jump a hurdle. that voice says, "go after these things". "not everyday will be perfect, but with time you will see fruits." the fruits of consistency. "you won't be morphed into some person you despise, but rather you will be matured into the person God intended you to be".

lord help me listen to those words, that voice, your voice.

today and the farm

Not feeling so hot. I woke up with diarrhea and have had it half of the day so far. I want to write what is presently happening more often, and guess what, today it is diarrhea. I want Darren to come home and watch the baby so I can sleep, but I also want to be strong and be able to manage without him.

The farm was so great. Before going on the trip, for the first time, I mentally made a list of all the things I was excited about. It's somewhat of a strange place, the dry prairie lands. Some people would probably go crazy there, but I think it's nice that it truly slows your pace down and forces you to appreciate the small things-- the big sky, the dry ground, the native grasses, good food, and family.

I appreciated the farm in a different way this trip. Uncle Tom took us out in his pick-up through on the dirt road, venturing off into the grasses of the rolling fields. We saw little oasis's of water for the cattle, and big expanses of sky. I asked many questions about the land and their farming practices. I saw empty farm outfits imagining myself and our little family living in one. But the loneliness, oh the loneliness would be heavy. I imagine a shift, a major shift would take place. Family would become the main social outlet, and friends would be a luxury, like an oasis for the cattle.

I hear baby babbling on the monitor. I wish I could have got my hair dried before he woke up, but alas...

this week and the farm

Each day I have a moment, some days I have multiple moments where I feel like, "I should really expand upon this thought, this connection, this revelation, flesh this idea out a little further in a blog post." But the thought of actually putting the energy into "creating" a post fizzles the idea of posting. Such is anxiety I guess.

I really like the idea of writing on a regular basis. Not so much to keep record of things, although I like that idea, but more to see thoughts expand.

This week has been, what I would say, a fulfilling week. Archie has been cared for, played with and loved. Things around our house have been cared for. We have seen friends but not been stretched too much. I have worn t-shirts often in the heat, which is a rare treat. I have made progress with how I see myself and my skin. We were poured into by a friend who is able to provide unique perspective on pretty much any topic. I was poured into by my mentor. And I feel like I have paced myself for all that needs to be done for our upcoming road trip this weekend. I made lists, blocked of mental chunks of time for everything that needs to be done and am trying to be realistic about things.

We are off to the farm tomorrow. I love so many things about the farm in Eastern Montana. Sometimes, I think in an idealized sort of way that it would be really fun to live there.

The rolling, endless, wheat fields dotted by the consistent pattern of hay bails...

The big sky full of endless cloud formations...

Cultural differences that feel like a different planet, that make us feel so far away when we are in the same country...

The ultimate home cooked food...

Introducing Archie to farm animals!

Good discussions in the car...

Our family is still so new, the three of us. It's still taking shape, but I love these extended periods of time we have together, to create memories, to laugh...

Being with extended family...

Lots of things to look forward to in this brief trip to the farm. I dream of wandering the rolling hills by myself. I'd kind of like to take a journal and just go sit out amidst the fields for some time of meditation and reflection.

sitting at his feet

Lately, I have been finding a lot of peace in being hidden.

Hidden in Christ.

Often times, I give so much energy to my issues, things I would like to change about myself, etc. I am constantly milling over my "to do" list...everything I need to get done in a day, people I need to respond to, things I need to clean.

But I have gently been reminded by God that I can just sit at his feet and receive from him.

I can just be.

And when you sit at his feet and just be, your focus slowly shifts off of yourself. How counter-cultural!

How novel!

Not being the center of my attention has been a great source of joy lately.

How beautiful!

the fullness

Henri Nouwen says writing is crucial to make sense of spiritual things. I think I would have to agree. One of my biggest struggles is often feeling misunderstood because I am unable to clearly communicate what I am feeling and thinking. So, I would like to try to write some of these thoughts out even though I am not confident about my writing skills and often worry what people will think of my thoughts. These past six months I have been working through a lot of these fears and barriers in my life.

I have and haven't done a whole of lot of processing regarding Archie's birth and life thus far. I have recorded milestones and little moments which I am happy to have, but that isn't necessarily processing the enormity that is this little life so connected to my own.  I know I definitely haven't made space for the floodgates of absolute emotion to open and overflow through my soul. Having a child is such a beautifully, scary thing. Their is the temptation to never fully feel the whole of emotions about the existence of your child because the thought of anything ever happening to them is absolutely soul-crushing. And if you never fully feel, than you will never be fully crushed if anything horrible happens. I don't want to be a parent who gives in to this temptation. Daily I want to try at least to experience the fullness of the joy and sorrow that is sharing in the life of another being. That requires a lot of vulnerability and emotional strength though. It's much easier to always be on autopilot, feel a little joy, a little sorrow but never be swallowed whole by those emotions. And I suppose that is a good thing, because we are suppose to reign in our emotions, but we need to be able to allow ourselves to feel the fullness here and there. I think that is a way that God prunes our dead branches and produces fruit, when we continually approach him with our lives lived with open hands.

the second half 0f 2011

JUNE

My 28th Birthday, celebrated with delicious food at Minnehaha Falls

JULY
Hanging out on the shores of Lake Nokomis
Daddy holding Archie at Abby's grandma's cabin

Grandpa and Archie at John and LeAnne's cabin

AUGUST
Naked baby photo shoot with mom and grandma- Almost 3 months old
Uncle Andy and Archie at Great Grandma's 89th b-day party
Going on a walk to the Dowling Gardens
Daddy with Archie in the baby bjorn

SEPTEMBER
Beautiful Archie photo shoot at the Pizza Farm

House church pic at Pizza Farm

Mullet head Archie
SPIT UP!!!

OCTOBER
Grandma Colleen comes for Archie's dedication, we take her to Pizza Farm

Archie is dedicated to God on a beautiful fall day

NACHO LIBRE!!

NOVEMBER

First stab at food! Egg yolks! Just shy of 6 mos.

Such a sweet boy!
Davy Crockett in the leaves

DECEMBER
Sitting up!
Silly boy
Mark and Stephanie come out for Darren's birthday!
Mom and Dad go to a fun murder mystery party
Love
Christmas smoochies

Posin' on Christmas Eve
handsome dad and his son on Christmas EveChristmas Day in his elf suit
Rolls!!

New Year's with the VanNoords

Our 2011 in pictures- the first 5 months

This has taken me longer than expected but I wanted to gather up a few pics from each month of the past year. Here are the first 5 months. The rest are coming!

JANUARY

22ish weeks

Getting Archer's room ready (formerly the guest room)

FEBRUARY

Home cooked Valentine's DinnerLots of Snow!

MARCH
Saying goodbye to the TV
The first baby shower given by my mom's friends
Becca Oehrig came and took our pics!

We went out to the farm in Saco MT for Grandma Helen's 80th
birthday party and we got to see Mark!

APRIL
Like 35 weeks here
Hope, our doula, preparing me for labor!

MAY
Last photos before baby! May 14th at lake harriet
May 17th laboring at home
After laboring for 3+ days, Archer is almost here
Archer Louis arrived via C-section on May 20th, 2011 at 5:34 in the morning!
After we heard the cutest little cries that sounded like rawr, rawr...he
was handed to Darren! What a proud daddy!Our new family of three (and my puffy face)

Our beautiful, healthy baby boy is finally here and the labor is over!
It was time to fall in love with him and recover from the crazy labor.
My family comes to meet Archer, after many worrisome days they had, since
we didn't update them on everything going on...
Friends come to meet Archie
Oh, how we love his chicken wings and frog legs as we lovingly
called them, always curled up! Such a long little guy at 21 3/4".We are home! Our new family of 3!
The baby is at home!
A boy and his dad! About 5 days old.